


Once I was an Eagle

by maviemesregles



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2020-10-18 07:53:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20635703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maviemesregles/pseuds/maviemesregles
Summary: It's funny the things you remember - like spilled coffee making a stain on my coat, chilly November morning and memory of hot whisper sending goosebumps down my skin, "I love you" said in an agony and fear of losing him, losing us. Or the vase that Jamie had bought me and it found its place on the top shelf in my bedroom.





	1. The beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to this attempt at writing Modern Outlander AU! I'm feeling quite silly at the fact that posting this makes me nervous as hell *sweats profusely* since I've never shared any of my fanfiction writing to the world, all of it safely tucked away in the depths of my laptop. But I felt like I've grown in my writing enough not to fear for the world to see it. This fanfic doesn't have a beta, I'm also not a native speaker so excuse me for any possible mistakes that might be there. *anyone would like to help me out here? ^^*
> 
> Anyways, I thought let's try and share it, see if someone likes it. I'm planning on length of 20 ish chapter story but will see where the journey leads me. There'll be some angst, well, maybe more angst than I think now. This story is about established relationships with flashbacks and yes, I know what you're thinking there ;) dinna fash, there'll be some fluff.* Occasionally*. This one is a short chapter but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless. 
> 
> So if you’re willing to take a risk and read this attempt about my favourite couple then buckle up for a long journey <3
> 
> P.S. I also post on Tumblr so if you would like to check it out there, here's the link to my blog: https://maviemesregles.tumblr.com/

It was the little things that Jamie loved about Claire. Small, perhaps, insignificant things in the eyes of strangers, but they created _her_, bits and pieces of the way she was.

The way she was cursing under her breath **_‘Fuck’_** and **_'Jesus H.Roosevelt Christ’_** whenever she found herself annoyed, stressed or angry.

The way she was getting ready for work - always organized, calm and quiet.

The way she always mumbled her sleepy**_ ‘thank you’_** to him for the cup of steaming coffee he’d make her in the weekends, her face still slightly puffy and creased from a deep sleep.

The way her unruly mass of hair made something steer deep inside his belly, wanting to cradle her into his laps and hold there forever.

It was the way she would laugh so hard that she snorts and he would follow her, laughing as well till his eyes water.

The way she smelled after the shift at the hospital, sterile and clean, with a slight scent of her perfume **_(musk and honeycomb)_**, which imprinted on the bedsheets in their bedroom forever.

The way she sighed and came alive under his touch in the darkness of the night, stilling everything around them.

The way she would snuggle next to him on the couch, pressing her body into his, almost curling into a ball, covering them with a quilt, falling asleep sometime later lulled by the noise of TV they’d watch.

The way she would get annoyed at their cat Adso for biting off the wee herbs she planted on their kitchen windowsill, deep crease appearing between her perfectly shaped eyebrows as she made a hissing _**'shush’**_ sound.

Quiet rustling of the sheets on his left made Jamie open one eye, abandoning his thoughts as he watched her silhouette sitting down, her long arms rising to the air and then slightly behind her head, as she stretched muscles, shaking off the remnants of her sleep. Normally he would run his hand on the expanses on her back, letting her know he’s awake. Claire tended never to wake him up knowing he had troubles sleeping. But now he silently watched her, his mind registering all the things she did in the room _**(pulling her sleeping t-shirt over her head that had been discarded to the floor evening before as they made love, her feet making the wooden floor squeak on the way to the hall, where she would switch IKEA stand lamp, never using the table one on her side, worrying the light might wake Jamie, he would hear the bathroom door softly closing and the water running, as she took shower for five minutes strictly, later she would curse quietly trying to find a fresh pair of knickers in the drawer)**_ All those things Jamie knew by heart, that was swelling with the feeling, he thought it would burst. Same little things that made him like her, want her, love her. The things that had imprinted upon his heart since the first time they met.

* * *

I knew that Geillis’s idea of weekends getaway to Highlands would not end very well and I was bloody right. I grimaced at the loud sound of a car door closing when we finally stopped, the loud thump made my headache harder, and I moaned reaching for the second Ibuprofen pill in my purse.

“ Ye ken, yer face looks like chicken arse like that?” Geillis clicked her tongue, the car keys ring swinging in loops around her slender finger _**(she was my long-time friend from college, who despite her reckless character was an exceptional pharmacist)**_. “ Yer never get laid with that look, love” She unceremoniously grabbed me by the elbow, marching towards colorful market stands. “ Let’s get some food, I’m starvin’”. I mumbled incoherent**_ 'mmmmh'_** not being able to move my dry tongue. Hangovers started to catch up with me in my late 20s and with each year it got worse and my drinking less and less harmless. A dram or two of the whisky, couple of gin tonics, or maybe red wine was fine but student-like parties were big No for me so now I regretted very much our yesterdays late night activities. Walking from pub to pub, mixing up all alcoholic drinks imaginable, eating greasy kebab on the street and staying up till 4am did not do me much good. I was dying, listing each step of alcohol intoxication in my head when Geilli interrupted me by suggesting to go to the local farm market for some fresh groceries. Though any mention of food made my mouth water with bitter saliva, my stomach growled at the prospect of fresh bread, eggs, and some ripe vegetables, along with a strong cup of coffee.

So now we were heading towards noisy farmers of Lallybroch**_ (the name I had troubles pronouncing, apparently, as Geillis made fun of me every time I said it)_**. With each passing stand of colorful fruit and veggies, various types of pastry, fresh meat, and fish, Geillis’s backpack was filling with the promise of our breakfast, my eyes stumbled upon a bright blue van with bold letters saying **_“Coffee, tea and homemade biscuits”_**. Hoping that fresh roasted black liquid will make me feel less awful I tugged my ginger-haired friend on the sleeve, pointing to the van. With her approval and request **_(cappuccino with double espresso shot, soy milk)_** I wiggled between mass of people, the glance of my look _**( tangled hair in a top knot, treating to escape the elastic band, raccoon dark circles under my eyes, chapped lips, oversized jogging pants, tucked into old Uggs, and Geillis’s beige parka)**_ reflected in the puddle as I finally stood in front of the van, inhaling rich coffee aroma. Feeling a bit more cheerful, with two paper cups warming up my cold fingers, I turned to head back. As my nose bumped into a soft woolen coat that smelled slightly of hay and something else I could not recall, I felt my eyes began to water at the impact of my face meeting a broad chest and through my blurry sight I saw rainbow of vegetables running away from the fabric bag that said **_’Take me with you, I am eco-friendly!’_**. I cursed _**(louder than intended to)**_ and tried to sniff, feeling snotty now.

“ Jesus. H.Roosevelt Christ! I think I’ve broken my nose”. I blinked twice when my eyes finally could focus on the obstacle on my way.

“Nay, lass. When ye break yer nose it makes this nasty crunchy sound and ye bleed like a pig. Yer fine”. He said to me, inhaling swiftly, lips curling into an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, I didna mean to hurt ye though”. I shot him a look that probably made him feel even more confused as his cheeks blushed deep pink, almost matching his red hair. I sighed and then my attention returned to his discarded tote bag. Not wishing to create more tension with a stranger, I bent, wanting to collect his groceries. That moment he decided to do the same and leaning at the same time, he punched my side with his elbow, by accident of course, but my hand shifted, coffee spilling on the cream-colored fabric of Geillis parka.

“ Oh, fuck.” I growled, now feeling really annoyed. Someone from behind called_ “ Uncle Jamie!”_ stealing his attention from the brown stain on my coat and before he could apologize again, I raised my hand and mumbled _" I’m fine"_ walked away followed by his guilty gaze.

Later that day I felt slightly guilty by snapping at this Jamie, thinking that hangover clouded my better judgment but soon enough forgot about it until the Thursday evening. I was just changing into my clothes, getting ready for home, when Joe opened a door. “ Claire, just this last patient, nothing hard, he needs stitches. Please?” I sighed but nodded, remembering that he had a booked restaurant for a dinner with his wife. Then James Fraser stepped in.


	2. Sassenach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie finds his ways to get to Claire. She's on the other side has her doubts but will one kiss and whisky change something?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm completely blown away by your responses to this work. Thank each and one of you who read it, left kudos, reblogged on Tumblr or just said a kind word.  
It means a lot <3  
This second chapter was prewritten before and I did not want to make you wait! :)  
For those who's been asking about posting in future I plan to update this fic once a week, probably on Wednesdays (but not necessarily).  
I'm still figuring out the way I want to tell this story but I guess we'll just see how their relationship develops until the present times. At first, I thought of it as little flashbacks but now it seems more necessary to show all the steps of growing together before we arrive at the Angst.  
Once again excuse me for any mistakes that might be there. ( Yes, I'm still looking for my beta? ❤)
> 
> P.S. Just a reminder that I also post on Tumblr, here's the link: https://maviemesregles.tumblr.com/  
Enjoy!

" How did you break your nose?" I asked him**_ (out of nowhere to be honest)_** finishing the last stitch on his forearm. The tissue there was split about 3 inches long, quite deep. It ran atop his other scar**_ (where did he get it from?)_** and once healed it would make a cross sign.

'' Huh?" My patient lifted his head looking at me. For whatever reason, I felt my stomach turn into a warm pool. **_( why?)_** That was the first time I had a chance to examine his face properly, to register his features in my mind. His eyes were strangely blue, the shade of blue that reminded me of my vacation to the Maldives. The stubble of gold reddish colour was sprinkled along the sides of his jaw**_ (I wondered whether it was his style or he just did not bother to shave)._** His face was framed by short cut curls, sticking out slightly near his ears. **_(I had to fight an urge to tuck them behind)._**

I nearly dropped an anesthetic when he spoke. The deep flush crept up my neck, reaching my cheeks when I realised I was staring at him.

" Ye didna ask me how I cut my arm but ye ask me about my nose?" Jamie's eyebrows rose as he smiled, small dimple on his right cheek appearing for me to remember. " Is it yer trying to compare the size of my nose and..." 

" No." I cut him off coldly, biting on my lip, his sudden remark threw my professional mask off. The smile on his face was wiped out in seconds, eyes fixed on mine. I cursed in my mind **_(what is wrong with you, Beauchamp?)_**. He was just trying to make a joke and I'm going to have PMS or why else I had snapped again? I almost physically felt the awkward silence that fell on the room, spreading its dirty hands to ruin any possible professional etiquette I tried to maintain. But, it did not have a chance when we spoke together.

" I'm sorry. I did not want to sound mean".

" Sorry, that was verra stupid of me to say, Sassenach".

The phone vibrated in the pocket of my jeans before I could answer him. With quiet_ "excuse me"_ I pressed decline thinking that Geillis can wait a couple of minutes more, though she would say she'll curse me with all her long line of witches in the family. " What does it mean?_ Sassi-nak_?" I asked taking the last band aids **_(only with Disney theme left)_** from the drawer.

" It means English." He snorted behind my back but when I turned his gaze was surprisingly warm. I swallowed. I had to admit he was beautiful. Beautiful in the way that hypnotized me and I thought that if I could paint he is the perfect model for that. " Or simply an outlander." Jamie watched me opening up the band aid **_(which happened to be with Micky Mouse)._**

" Really? " I narrowed my eyes. Satisfied with my work I gave him the last instructions. " All done. Don't scratch it, don't swim, avoid sport. You may take showers and keep the bandage until you get home". Feeling my phone buzzing again I smiled at him, watching him put on the same woolen coat **_(dark navy, ending just above his knees)_** and tartan scarf, I grabbed my own coat.

" I'm sorry I kept ye after yer work hours". He said quietly and suddenly took my black jacket out of my hands. "It's alright." I responded taken aback by his gesture." It's my duty". I could feel his warm breath at the nape of my neck when my back faced him. I grabbed my purse mumbling incoherent _'thanks'_ and feeling stupid that I acted like a schoolgirl. **_(Has he noticed that? Christ.)_**

" What do ye call us, Scots?" Jamie looked up at me when he stood in the doorway. " Nothing really. Is it already not offensive enough?" I bit inside of my cheek trying not to laugh. He smiled. " Aye." 

We said goodbye in a rush being interrupted by young nurse Mary Hawkins who has had about a million questions to me. Saying to James Fraser that he can come back in a week for sutures removal I had spent another 20 minutes talking to a father of one of my patients. Geillis was cursing me in three long text messages to which my response was a crap emoji. She had planned on going to some fancy restaurant and spending a ridiculous amount of money on some luxurious dishes, saying it would cheer me up. I wasn't particularly agreeing with her on the thought _"Ye look like shite and behave the same. Tis time ye put aside all that Frank story" _and was going to spend time home but Geillis wouldn't be one without trying. Typing the message on the screen I mentally counted how much time I really have to get home, change in something more suitable and meet Geillis.

_"Sorry, hon. Had one more patient. xx" _

_" Was he hot?" _

_" What makes you think it was' him'?" _

_"Just hope for ye, love"_

I rolled my eyes and shivered at the cold wind**_ (bloody hell, Scotland, it was just September?)_ **running down the stairs I successfully avoided the puddle when a familiar voice called. "Sassenach?"

In his hand, he held a takeaway coffee from Starbucks "Just black. Americano. Did I get it right?" " Right" I whispered back. **_(why? why did I whisper?)_** " I'm sorry again for yer wee nose. And yer coffee" Jamie smiled handing me the cup, our fingers brushing slightly, me noticing how warm his skin was despite the brutal Scottish weather. I shook my head and looked down at my shoes. He was smirking. **_(really?)_** " It's okay. Sorry I barked at you then." I chewed on my lip, feeling my toes go numb in the cold. "Be careful with your hand". "Aye, I will." He had asked my name then and I blurted_ "Beauchamp"_, his eyebrows rose and I laughed _"Claire. My name is Claire."_

Being awfully late for a dinner with Geill, cursing why did I buy this bag that was as big as bloody house, I finally found the keys in the depths of it. Throwing it on the hall floor and kicking my boots off on the way to bedroom I scratched Adso behind his furry ears**_ (who had been sleeping, paws up, sprawled on the carpet in the living room)_**. I jumped into the shower almost breaking my ankle at the slippery tiles. I had to give Geillis a credit. Truly I was feeling as I stood on the edge of the cliff, one foot hanging above it. The emotional state that had me hooked for the last few weeks because of a nasty remark I'd received from Frank in the text message.**_ " You have to cut off the bullshit, Claire. You are not as great a woman as you think"._** I simply replied, **_"Fuck you, Frank Randall"_**. But it kept lingering at the back of my head and surely soon enough I started thinking perhaps it was me who did everything wrong and that is why we divorced? Had it been my friend I would have said that it's a talk of insecure man and nothing surprising in a fact that man tries to blame a woman. This is as old as the world and you cannot beat yourself up for it and possibly think you've done something wrong. There were multiple reasons why we have broken up, on both sides. It just didn't work. But his remark threw me off the track and I've got stuck in this state for past two weeks.

Thinking that Geillis's idea of the restaurant actually might be a good distraction I grabbed the purse from the floor when my eyes stumbled at the coffee cup I have left on the bureau shelf. Feeling familiar warmth rising from my belly and going_ up up up_ my body making me smile I took a few sips of now cold drink setting it aside. Only then I've noticed a set of numbers scrabbled on the side. It was a number and I did not need to guess long whose it is.

Dinner with Geilis was indeed a distraction. A good one for that matter. We went through all our work weekly news and now for the last twenty minutes, she was telling me in all explicit details about her last Tinder date. Sipping on the nutty red wine I could not help but admit that Jamie has lingered at the back of my mind all evening. When the waiter brought us the check and we were trying to split the sum James Fraser became our next topic of discussion. "Ye ken that he left ye his number on purpose?" Geillis smirked putting away her wallet. " Yes. But what then?" I nodded with my shoulders. "I saw him just twice and the first one was not much of a success." The pharmacist rolled her eyes when we stepped out to the drizzle of rain, lighting a cigarette. " Christ, Claire. I saw him. He was smoking hot. Ye canna just let that chance flow by." The cloud of smoke hid her face for a moment and I coughed. "And ye dinna need to have serious relationships with him. Or just sex with no promises is taboo for ye these days? C'mon. Relax, Beauchamp."

I knew she was right in a way. I was overthinking it. In the last five months after divorce with Frank I had shared a bed with men, went on meaningless dates. Why couldn't I do it now? Jamie was attractive and kind. I definitely could give it a shot.

For the next week, I was swirled into the chaos of work, night shifts, new patients, Adso having stomach problems. I did not have the time or chance to call Jamie. And when I finally remembered about it, sitting in well-worn pajamas, eating crisps out of the packet on the couch I'd realised I threw the cup into the rubbish bin. Thinking of it as bad omen I tried not to dwell on it much but my plan has been changed by Mary Hawkins who apparently took off the sutures of Jamie and with red face shoved a note into my hand while I was filling in the charts. All the way home I felt as if the note in my pocket will burn my hand off.

Looking at the piece of paper with neat handwriting that said **_"I'd hoped it would be the Sassenach who removes my stitches. *smiley face* P.S. I hope my handwriting is good enough this time because I have a feeling ye couldna read the phone number. Fancy a good Scottish whisky instead of coffee? J."_** I dialed Geillis, pacing the room in circles, Adso following me with a look _ "Are you okay, Mama?"_

" That's the lad ye bumped into in Lallybroch? The one with stitches?" Her voice sounded dangerously excited. " Mmmh" I hummed noise of approval, staring out of the window.

" He knows his ways" She chuckled. "Tell me ye will go and see him?" I leaned my forehead against the glass, the warm breath making it misty. "He's my patient." A long line of cursing on the other side followed my answer and it made me smile. That's why I loved Geillis though sometimes she was a lot to handle.

"Well, a patient ye treated like what? Ten minutes? Plus, ye've seen him before so it's like ye know him. I will kill ye with my own bare hands if ye dinna call him at least." 

I chewed on my lip and glanced at Adso as if it could shake off my doubts. " You know what? I'll meet him." I stated simply.

" That's the spirit, lassie!" Her happy squealing made me grimace. "Dinna forget to shave". After another five minutes of a stream of advice from my best girlfriend I took out the Starbucks paper cup from the trash, I threw it in the evening before**_ (he better be worth it)._** Not to give myself a chance to change my mind I dialed right away.

We agreed to meet in a pub of Jamie's choice**_ (he had promised it's one of the best in Edinburgh) _**I spent a good amount of time thinking what to wear. What does one wear to a pub? To date in the pub?**_ (seriously?)_ **Was it a date at all? As my wristwatch showed 6pm I finally stood in the hallway 30 minutes before meeting James Fraser **_(not as my patient)_**. I had promised myself to keep this easy and fun. I'm just seeing this handsome Scot, having a couple of drinks with him, flirty chit chats, maybe ending up in mine or his apartment as a bonus. Easy and fun.

"Get your shit together, Beauchamp." I hissed to myself taking the last look in the mirror. Highwaisted jeans, cream sweater and suede high heels boots that I've bought being drunk last Christmas and never wore **_(heals and I were from different worlds)_**. It was definitely an upgrade since Lallybroch market accident but it did not scream _"Look, I've just spent two hours figuring out my outfit!_".

Getting into the cab **_(not that I had planned on being drunk but my inner voice knew better)_** I texted Geillis the name and GPS location of the pub. _"In case I get abducted, you know. xxx"._

_" Yer ridiculous but I still love ye. Have a good shag. Kidding. Have fun. xxx"_

Nodding at cab driver's _"Have a good evening"_ I stepped out to the busy street, full of noises, tipsy people, the smell of street food mixed with weed smoke. Glancing last time at my cell phone where Jamie's text shone on the screen five minutes ago_ "I'll be inside, ye can find me at the bar. ;)"_ I walked inside the pub. 

The first time we met **_(or rather bumped into each other)_** I haven't noticed much besides his bright hair and a soft smile. The second time, James Fraser was my patient and despite all medical etiquette written I kept thinking how good-looking he was. Neither times I felt nervous or confused, I felt at ease with him and only anticipated what he might be like if we meet in normal set up? Now I caught myself fidgeting my fingers along the strap of my purse, eyes scanning the crowd. It wasn't hard to spot him. His tall posture was slightly bent across the bar as he spoke to the bartender, the red mop of hair shook in agreement and then he turned his head. I was halfway there when he noticed me. I had smiled when he leaned to press a kiss to my cheek, his lips dry and warm, body dangerously close to mine.

" Claire". He hummed with a deep noise coming up his chest. I dropped my coat on the back of the stool when Jamie slid it aside for me to seat. 

"I took a chance and ordered for ye." He pointed at two tumblers of whisky on the polished wooden counter.

"Taking a risk?" I smirked, my fingers feeling a cold surface of the patterned glass. " Oh, aye." If a look could burn then Jamie's eyes would've made a see-through hole in me. "Sláinte!"

"How's your arm?" I tilted my head, watching his lips meet the glass surface. It could have been a mesmerizing movie scene I'd watch again and again. "Do ye always talk about yer work, Dr. _Bechaam_?" He grunted glaring at me. " But since ye asked, it's fine, though I was verra much disappointed it wasna ye there to remove the stitches." I felt goosebumps running down my skin, making each little hair erect, all the same, familiar warmth rising at the bottom of my belly.

"How come?" I quirked one brow in a question **_(although I knew the answer)._** "Ye have a good touch, Sassenach" Jamie shook his glass, ice clinking, before gulping it down. Feeling slightly more reckless I licked the tingling sensation off my lips, leaning closer to him. "I could check it for you if you like. To see if there is no infection".

The rest of the evening we spent in easy banter. Jumping from one topic to another, fun and serious, sad and happy. He had told me about his family _"Wee Maggie was verra jealous of the Micky Mouse band aid ye gave me"_. I told him about my times in medical school_ (how I broke my arm in the third year trying to pass a note to Geillis on the exam)_. He remembered his most embarrassing date with his first girlfriend Annalise. I shared my last awful experience with meeting a guy after speaking with him on Facebook. Jamie said he likes horses, I answered: _"I'm interested in botany"_.

All the time I was strongly aware of our knees touching, of him laughing **_(loud and so genuine it made my heart skip a beat)_ **and bending forward, his warm breath lingering above my skin, our fingers brushing _accidentally_ when laid atop the bar counter. Two hours later we stood outside the pub, his coat loosely draped over my shoulders for extra warmth "Aren't you cold?" I had asked then. "No, Sassenach. We Scots made of solid stuff" He laughed, fishing his cell phone out of the pocket. I was fidgeting from one foot to another thinking how I might get him inside my flat? I was tipsy, feeling quite reckless and more than conscious of his attractiveness. "I'll get ye a cab, text me when yer safe home, aye?" He glared at me, his pinky lightly caressing the inside of my wrist when he called a taxi. 

" Jamie, don't you..." He did not let me finish, tucking away the stray curl behind my ear, his warm fingers tracing the line down my jaw. " I would verra much like to kiss ye. _May I?_"

Without much words I stepped forward, his lips crushed under mine. Jamie hummed appreciative **_"mmmm"_** his fingers tangling in the hair on my nape. I could feel the lines of muscles under his shirt when we were pressed along each other, my hands going up and down his arms. I inhaled deeply when we parted, watching him lick his lips.

"I'll see ye around, Claire?"


	3. Catharsis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Claire is a terrible cook, Adso making a new friend, Jamie and Claire share a bit more than a bottle of wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third chapter is here, folks! :)  
The story unfolds itself slowly but surely. (NSFW)
> 
> A shoutout to my lovely beta LadyJane518 <3  
Thank you for sharing this journey with me and for your kind words of encouragement.
> 
> So from now on, you guys don't have to bear with my mistakes any longer :)
> 
> ❤

_Mess_ was something I was afraid of. I remember my mother always saying that sometimes I'm too emotional and irrational. So I've learned how to be organized and keep everything in order, including my emotions. I had to. I was a surgeon and could not allow my feelings or temper overtake me. Claire Beauchamp who knows what to do. Years of learning made me a perfect example of a control freak. I could be a coach giving lessons on how to hold your shit together. But, it was a facade, a mask put on for work and strangers, for the patients who needed to have _a Dr. Beauchamp who has everything under control._ My true nature did not always correspond with the show I tried to sell.

Since I bumped into that tall Scot, the last little thread I held over my inner world was slipping out of my fingers. Then there was a law of inertia. I was balancing on the edge before falling down to the abyss of the unknown.

I returned home with an unsatisfied ache in my belly, between my thighs, behind my closed eyelids, and on my swollen kissed lips. I jumped into the hot shower furiously scrubbing down myself to wash off the smell of the pub, the street, **_(and his cologne that traveled with me home)_** off my skin. I've spent a good twenty minutes standing under the shower trying to reclaim the power over the situation that was running away from me as quickly as the water into the drain below my feet. I inhaled and exhaled **_( the way they taught us at yoga classes which Geillis made me go)_**.

My fingers traced the bottom lip where I could still taste him. _Get a grip, Beauchamp._

When I just crossed the threshold, Geillis's number was shining on my screen before I even could take shoes off of my aching feet._ "I hoped ye willna pick up."_ She mumbled mouth fulll, chewing on something crispy.

_ "Ye did so I reckon yer not with him?" _

_"Nah". _

_"W__as he that bad?"_

I shook my head as if she could see me. _"No, not at all. At the beginning of the evening, I couldn't guess if he's just a confident prick who's trying to get into my knickers or not but now I don't know."_ After a detailed description of the date to Geillis, I strolled down to the bathroom._ “Maybe he didn't like me?"_ I asked thoughtfully, trying to get rid of mascara that has imprinted into the delicate skin, which now was turning red.

_"He'd better get into yer knickers"_ Geillis snorted. _"But I think the lad likes ye well enough, only he has decided to teach ye a lesson after Lallybroch or he's being a gentleman. If he wanted to get ye laid he'd done it this evening."_

_ "Is it a good or bad thing?"_ I asked pulling my jeans down.

_"I dinna ken. I'd say ye invite this Jamie over to dinner and see for yourself"._

Grabbing Adso under my armpit on the way to the bedroom, my phone came alive with a loud ringing **_(Jesus, I have to change that ringtone)._** Already planning what I might say to Geillis **_(remembering all swear words I knew)_** I almost pressed _Accept_ but stopped right in time, seeing "James" on the screen. I stared at my cell phone long enough to read now _"Missed call"_.

I had texted him while in the cab _"Home. Safe and sound."_ He replied what appeared in a second _"Good. It was a bonnie evening."_

I crossed my legs sitting at the end of the bed, watching Adso bury himself under the duvet. _Why has he called?_

I spent about ten minutes before my fingers finally hit the Call button.

"Jamie?"

_"Claire"_

He said my name in a way that made my toes curl and my heart race a marathon. The soft vibrating _"R"_ and a hint of an accent turned _**just Claire**_ into something more special than I could imagine. I heard a quiet rustling of the sheets and his quiet breathing before I spoke. That made me wonder how he looked in bed. Did he sleep on the right or left side of the bed? Was he a light sleeper or not? What did he dream?

"Is something amiss?" I bent my neck holding the phone between my ear and shoulder.

"No. Just wanted to hear ye voice again."

_"Oh."_ I gasped. I bit down on my lip but nonetheless could see a stupid smile on my face reflecting in the window.

"I dinna wake ye, Sassenach?" I heard him shift, getting comfortable and tried to imagine what he looked like . Was he tangled into the mass of bed sheets and blanket, sitting upright in the dim bedside light. Or maybe laying down, one hand up, elbow supporting his head, chest rising and falling with his quiet breathing.

"No. I was just getting ready for bed."

Adso's grey head popped out of the duvet. My companion looked at me tentatively and climbed up onto my knees with a loud _"Meow."_

"Ye have a cat?” I was sure I could hear him smile.

"Uh uh". I mumbled stroking Adso's furry back.

There was a pause for what seemed an eternity before Jamie asked quietly.

"Can I meet the wee cheetie?"

* * *

That night, Jamie and I had agreed on what he simply called "a real date" I could not sleep. I was vaguely aware of the lonely cars passing down the streets, drunk gangs of students singing and screaming in the park across the way, I could hear my neighbour's TV speaking. I fell asleep by 5 am feeling absolutely drained. I took extra shifts for the next couple of days **_(to clear my head from him)_ **and felt thoroughly exhausted. So now when my phone buzzed, I startled almost kicking a cup of Earl Grey off the table.

_ "What's yer drink of choice, Sassenach?" _

_"Make it wine. Red"_ I quickly typed back rushing to my fridge. **_(what goes with red wine? Geillis and I never had this problem mixing up takeaway of all kind with a bottle of red)_**

_"Sorted. 7pm, right?" _

_"See you." _

_"xoxo" _

My cheeks blossomed into a rosy pink while I giggled at his last text. Adso glared at me from his windowsill perch, shook his head, licked his paw twice and jumped off heading to his bowl. That brought me back to my earlier task of the day to think of the menu for tonight. I had to fight an urge just to order from my favorite Italian restaurant and pretend I prepared it all. "Christ." I hissed examining the shelves of the refrigerator. Old curry takeaway, Brie cheese which was probably out of date, some leftovers from my attempt at the pumpkin soup and a pack of milk.

Next two hours I've spent tidying up my entire flat, doing several loads of laundry, changing the bedsheets to fresh crisp ones, and hiding away my Ikea plushy teddy bear that Joe got me last birthday as a joke. The kitchen was scrubbed down until the counters shone and all fridge food remains were thrown into the rubbish bin. Lighting scented candles that lived on the coffee table in the living room, I caught myself thinking I'm trying too hard.

Jamie would step into the house of Dr. Beauchamp - organized, clean and ordered. He wouldn't see two weeks piles of laundry needed to be done, he would not open the fridge and close it deciding to call a takeaway because he'd realize I'm a terrible cook. Jamie wouldn't laugh at me for sleeping with a toy in bed, nor he wouldn't know about the existence of _"snack basket"_ full of crisps and Gummies next to my couch. He wouldn't know who Claire really is. Or would he?_ Did I want him to know?_

After paying for the Waitrose delivery, I occupied kitchen with an unusual enthusiasm that didn't last long. I was a nervous wreck. My attempt at pasta Carbonara came out as someone's morning sickness and was sent straight into the trash. Cursing and praying to all existing Gods at once I've reminded myself that I wanted to keep this easy and fun. So pizza was the choice. Something that was hard for me to fail I still went through the recipe for the dough with surgeon precision. Popping the tomato sauce, spinach and white chunks of mozzarella on top, I glanced at the clock. Feeling the sweat sticky fabric of my shirt clinging to my back I sent pizza tray to the oven hoping Jamie likes Margherita. With Adso purring at my legs, I rushed to the shower mentally thanking myself for washing my hair the day before. Ten minutes later, wrapped up in a towel I was welcomed with a delicious smell of pizza lingering in my kitchen and satisfied with the outcome left to the bedroom.

The sudden doorbell buzz caught me just in the middle of dressing up. Hair looked as if an explosion happened on my head, with the only moisturizer on my skin while I huffed and puffed pulling on old jeans **_(the ones that lost all their blue from many washings)_**. Grabbing the first jumper that fell out of the wardrobe and dragging it over my head on the way to open a door I prayed that Jamie wouldn't be all dressed up for the occasion. **_(why did he come twenty-five minutes earlier?)_**

My heart hammered in my chest and I had to take a few deep breaths trying to appear composed. He was casual. A simple white t-shirt with a leather jacket, the same tartan scarf, and jeans that looked as old as mine.

“I’m here.” His voice sounded low and hoarse.

“You are.” I swallowed a lump in my throat that seemed to suffocate me.

We stood in an awkward silence that stretched between us as the thousands of days, hours, minutes not spent together **_(yet?) _**

“Will ye let me in, Sassenach? I’ll freeze my bollocks off out here.” He smiled, the little wrinkles covered the sides of his eyes as the sun rays. I think I heard something in my heart shift.

The cold wind reached my bare feet and I moved aside just a little, letting him through. The familiar smell of his perfume **_(sea salt, amber wood and Italian cost)_** wrapped up around me when Jamie leaned to plant a kiss on my cheeks. One on the left, one on the right. I caught myself rising on my tiptoes for him as if I were a cat arching its back into his touch. Somehow it felt much more intimate than our full-mouth-greedy-tongues pub encounter. I watched him taking his jacket off, removing his boots and exclaiming happily _“There ye are, wee cheetie”_ when Adso popped his grey head from the corner and strolled down to Jamie sniffing his hands. I leaned my back against the door thinking that it felt right. James Fraser in my apartment, crouched down on my floor, petting my cat who’s now was purring away. For a second there I wondered how it would feel to be touched by those hands. **_( is it normal to be jealous of your own cat?)_**

"I've made pizza. I did not know what you like." I announced, popping a cheesy slice on his plate, licking the grease glistening on my fingers. If it wasn't me kissing him just a couple days ago and flirting away then now I would have been very much offended by the look he gave me. As if he was ready to eat me alive right there, right now.

His gaze softened. **_(has anyone else on Earth had eyes this blue?) _**

"It's perfect. I couldna imagine a better option for a dinner than pizza".

It felt easy with him. There were minutes we ate in companionable silence, and minutes when we spoke, _"clink-clink"_ of wine glasses interrupting our voices.

"So, I know horses are your hobby.But you still did not tell what it is you do for a living?" I looked at him over the rim of my glass. I watched him lick his lips, setting his pizza aside.

"I have a wee business with my uncles." Jamie took a sip, his Adam's apple bobbing under the skin as he swallowed. "It's a small beer brewery. Nothing verra special but sufficient enough."

"Beer is it?" I smirked. "I would think a Scot like you should be involved in the whisky business."

He grinned, glass in his hand, cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink.

"Well, I'm verra good at drinking it, no making."

When our dinner was demolished and plates covered only in crumbles and crusts **_(on my plate)_**, I stood up bringing them over to the sink. My hands were almost elbow deep into the soapy water when Jamie had asked something that made my knees shake just for a moment.

"How come such lass as ye not married, let alone single?"

A heavy silence fell down, erasing our previous banter. Sensing my discomfort he added immediately "Claire, I dinna mean to be noisy". But I had told him anyway.

* * *

"But the main thing was that he had said I wasn't a woman if I could not give him a child. I was just an empty shell of female appearance, there was no much use to me." I inhaled deeply, feeling his eyes on my back when I finally finished. "Truthfully, I don't even know if I am really barren. I don't know who's at fault. Frank never went for a test and I...Well, I could not make myself do it afterwards."

I braced my hands on the opposite sides of the sink trying to compose myself. The swell of tears started to gather in my eyelashes threatening to escape.

_ "Sassenach." _

I heard his quiet steps behind me and I shuddered a sigh thinking how did this evening **_(a promise of a good sex)_ **turned into something that vaguely reminded me of a soap opera on TV that my neighbor Mrs.Baird watched.

I felt his fingers gently squeezing my shoulder.

"It doesna matter anymore."

"No." I sniffed. "It doesn't."

I turned to him then to be trapped once again by the studying gaze of his blue eyes which now were the reminiscent of storms at sea that promise clear skies. His long fingers brushed away loose curls off my face.

"Do ye need to be alone? Ye want me to go?" He asked softly, hands wrapping around my waist.

"No" I shook my head in protest, suddenly terrified he'd leave. " I don't want you to go."

He nodded.

"I willna. I promise."

On its own accord my forehead dropped against his chest and a sigh of contentment**_ (I did not know was there)_** escaped my throat. We stood there in each other's embrace long enough for Adso to jump up on the counter to peek at Jamie and I with clear _"What are you up to, hoomans?"_ written on its fluffy face.

"Netflix and chill?" I sniffed, the sound muffled by Jamie's t-shirt. He gave me a lopsided smile when I lifted my head.

"Ye ken what that means, right?"

"I do." I laughed rubbing my eyes, smudged mascara staining my hand.

We indeed watched Netflix. Sitting on a modest distance of each other, under the same plushy throw, still close for our fingers to touch. I was too aware of his presence and closeness that my back started to ache approximately 15 minutes after I sat straight up, afraid to move. But then the wine we drank started to kick in, my body **_(and mind)_** relaxing and by thirty minutes into the movie **_(The Notting Hill I'd made him watch)_**, I found myself in the kingdom of Jamie's warmth, our thighs and hips pressed to one another, his hand wrapped up around my shoulder and my head rested just above his breastbone where I could hear his steady heartbeat. His chin rested on the crown of my head and I could feel his lips slightly brushing above but not kissing just yet. I did not know when and how I fell asleep. Lulled by Jamie's soothing presence I must have dozed off sometime after the credits rolled, last night shifts catching up with me.

I roused to a touch that faintly reminded me the butterflies' wings scattered across my skin. My eyes fluttered open when I could feel Jamie’s warm breath making my skin tingle.

The room was dark, dipped into the heavy night shadows with only thin moonlight sketching a path along the carpet. I had no idea how long I slept only to find myself still on the couch, Jamie’s smile lingering above me. I smiled back feeling his fingers softly caressing the sliver of skin between my jeans and sweater. My back arched instinctively to his touch. He leaned down to press his lips upon mine. It was a lazy kiss, unhurried in the way our mouths melted together, the way he tasted the fullness of my lower lip, the way our tongues sought permission and their slow dance continuing until we both were breathless.

Jamie was looking at me as if he'd seen me for the first time. I could see his eyes move, something faintly reminding me of a tenderness floating at the bottom.

"What?" My lips moved slowly, still numbed by his taste. I touched his cheekbone to see if it feels right for me, for him to do so. How many times would I repeat this simple move? Jamie's fingers had found my hand, turning it palm up.

"I think ye are beautiful, Claire. Verra." His thumb softly outlined my lifeline before he brought my hand up planting a kiss just in the center of it. That simple gesture made me surrender, undid me in fact. I could feel the hot bubbling sensation starting somewhere in my toes rising all the way up to my thighs, my belly, crawling inside my breasts and wrapping around my heart, taking a peek under my skin as if checking is it a suitable place to be here forever?

I dragged my lips over his clavicle that slightly stood out above the collar of his t-shirt, leaving a moist trail of my breath. He smelled earthy, slightly salty with a mix of his cologne. Jamie's breath was shallow and I shifted feeling my arousal build between my thighs. My own abilities to inhale and exhale properly failed me when his fingers dragged the woolen fabric of my sweater_ up up up_ until there was nothing to hide. I jerked involuntarily as his auburn curls tickling my skin when his mouth closed over the peak of the left breast. It seemed like a century passed by instead of minutes as his lips moved from one breast to another.

His hand splayed flat on my stomach drawing patterns up and down making me almost beg him to continue just a bit down where I wanted him to be. But before I gathered enough courage to do that his fingers slid under the waistband of my jeans, testing, teasing.

“Jamie” I pleaded with the voice that didn’t sound like my own.

“Do ye want me to stop ?” He asked softly kissing the corner of my mouth.

I did not know if _“No”_ actually left my mouth, but only managed to cling to him in desperate anticipation of my own release. Sensing this, he seemed to slow down on purpose. His mouth hovered above mine, our breaths mixing up as he slipped his hand out **_(me whimpering in protest and him chuckling, the cocky bastard)_ **to unzip the unnecessary piece of clothing. I raised my hips just enough for Jamie to pull them down to my knees. I was becoming lost in him, forgetting how to breathe. Needing to feel him, I reached for the hem of his t-shirt seeking access to his skin.He ignited a hunger in me, I needed to see him, feel the realness and closeness of him, to be in this moment for my life to have a meaning. Even if it meant just mere minutes.

Pulling the cotton fabric over his head my fingers traced the line of veins that ran along his arm until found where I had mended his flesh with the stitches I had placed. I leaned my head to kiss the spot where the scar would make its presence known. Jamie’s breath hitched and within seconds my lips were trapped by his once again. When we parted with a wet pop his fingers traveled south one more time pushing the grey cotton triangle between my thighs aside. My blood was rushing hot, heart hammering hard against my breastbone. So loud that I thought Jamie could hear.The promising warmth of his fingers drew a map on my inner thighs. Slowly tortuously from one to the other, traveling up to brush over my navel making me pant, and slippery with need.

“I want you inside me” I had whispered then, dragging my tongue over the stubble on his jaw.

“No, **_a nighean_**.” He sounded hoarse but dreamily sweet. “I want to watch ye first”.

If it was possible to become undone just from his words, it would have been then. His fingers drew another path,_ coming home,_ where I felt hot and greedy for him. I mewled, my hips rising _into_ his touch, nails digging into his shoulders. I kept my eyes shut, fingers leaving marks on his skin, as he drove me down the road of pure sensation. Where my walls had crumbled and fallen down, where he had made me cry out God's name in vain. Where my trembling hands had managed to unbuckle his belt and in a swift motion pull his jeans down, Jamie's feet trapped in them, laughing hard. His moan that sounded more like a hiss when I ran my palm at the length of him, tagging his white boxers off. When all the sharp fences alongside my soul started to crouch down and fade away as our bodies joined. I gasped feeling the saltiness of tears rising up from my belly all the way to my throat because this felt like _coming home_, suddenly _he_ felt like home. When the lonely tear had rolled down my cheek, into the hollow of my neck, to the fields of my curls**_ (I did not know where it came from)_** I heard him whisper **_"mo ghraidh"_**. It had no meaning for me but the way Jamie's lips imprinted those words into the column of my neck destroyed the last barricades I had built over my soft and sensitive, scarred heart.

After a time we were both gasping for air as fish landed on the shore his solid body pinning me down on the cushions. I whispered, "Jamie, you're crushing me".

He hummed a quiet apology. With eyes still veiled by an overtaking orgasm, he rolled off me and gathered me closer to him. His hands wrapped up around my waist, back pressed to his chest. I thought I heard him murmur something into my hair **_(that faintly sounded as ancient Gàidhlig)_** before after-sex slumber had taken us both to its realm.

* * *

The nagging ache in my lower back that I usually had from falling asleep on the couch **_(after a particularly hard shift at the hospital)_** was something that woke me up. I thought I was suffocating from the realness of the dream I had but it was just Adso who curled like a cinnamon bun on top of my chest.

I was alone. (**_not that I was really surprised)_**

But somewhere deep inside I felt a painful sting of bitterness to find myself in the reality of lonely-morning-post-one-night-stand. I reached for my phone with a stupid hope that maybe Jamie had texted me. Nothing.

"Looks like we are back to normal, baby" I sighed scratching Adso behind the ears.

The Edinburgh's skies were gloomy, heavy with a promise of rain. I stared into the window but did not really see anything behind it. The soft knock took me out of my stupor.

"I used the last of yer shampoo.I figured ye wouldna mind." Jamie stood in the doorway, his hair damp from the shower, now two shades darker, like autumn leaves.

My mouth dropped open as I just watched him casually stroll and make himself comfortable in the chair.

"And, Christ, Sassenach, but yer cat does fart like a freakin' raccoon."

"Does it?" I whispered.


	4. Lovestruck. Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some revelations need time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the chapter is here. It took a while to get it done and it's been a struggle in some ways.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy it despite long waiting :)  
Your comments mean the world to me even though I don't always have a time to answer each of you. <3
> 
> BIG thanks to my beta LadyJane518 <3 She's truly a gem and has saved this chapter from miserable failure. I can't give you enough credits, Anne. But I'm glad to have you on this journey with me.
> 
> Part II will follow shortly after this one, possibly on Thursday :)
> 
> P.S. For the better atmosphere I recommend you to put on Dire Straits song "Romeo and Juliet" :)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJmER493F4U
> 
> Enjoy!  
♥

"I'm taking ye on a wee trip, Claire." Jamie stood in the doorway of the locker room, car keys in his right hand. "Ye need fresh air, ye look like yer about to fall down".

My mind froze for a second taken aback by his**_ (dashing as always)_** appearance.

"Jamie, I can't. I -"

He did not let me finish raising his hand up, gesturing me to be quiet.

"There is no_ 'I can't'_ or_ 'No'_. I dinna accept that." He stepped closer. "Maybe I am no doctor but I still can see when someone's worn out."

To be very honest he was right. In the last week, I’ve had ten major surgeries, several new patients to care for. I promised Terry to fill in for her and worked two additional shifts. And just thirty minutes ago I finished partial colectomy. I felt completely drained.

“But what about our…_ date?_” I looked at him trying to find my keys buried in the depths of the bag. The word “date” still sounded strange, and sometimes inappropriate for me **_(I did not know if we were dating or having a friendship with benefits)_**.

“A wee change of plan.” Jamie clicked his tongue, his hand laid at the back of my neck. “This will be our date then. Just ye, me and some nature.” He pressed a quick kiss on the spot behind my ear. That soft, tender one that made me wonder, could this be forever? Or will we end up staying_ just Claire and just Jamie having fun? _

"Take her will ye! She willna listen to me," smirked Geillis. "I'll take care of yer wee cheetie while yer away. So dinna fash, lovies.”

I rolled my eyes. Jamie coughed clearly trying to hide a laugh.

“I promise I willna be angry at ye for ruining our cinema time tradition. Just next time it’s my turn to choose a movie”. And just like that, grabbing the house keys from my hands she was gone.

“Tell me there is a hot shower where you’re taking me and I can borrow one of your gym's t-shirts for sleeping?” My head dropped back, fitting perfectly in the space between his collarbone and jaw.

Jamie’s hands circled around my waist locking just above my navel.

“There is a bath, Sassenach. An improvement to yer wee shower.” He nuzzled his nose against my hair. “And I can assure ye, ye willna need a sleeping shirt.”

A habit of falling asleep almost anywhere was my superpower. After we got into Jamie’s crossover Peugeot with Tesco groceries for our breakfast I immediately dozed off. The last time I sat in his car was two weeks ago, exactly three days after our first real date as Jamie called it. Appearing at the hospital without any warning, he volunteered to bring me home after work. Though the GPS in Jamie’s phone had announced that the distance between Braid Road and Lauderdale street was just fifteen minutes I didn’t walk out of the car for at least thirty. I laughed needing to admit that sex in the car is not as comfortable as it looks on TV. Jamie frantically searched the glovebox for a condom while creating a mess of tissues, mints, and papers. I struggled with the front seat that didn’t want to go down. Though in the end, nothing was an obstacle. Later that evening as I prepared for bed, I welcomed the hickey starting to bloom bright purple on my neck.

I felt very much cozy in his car**_ (despite previous activity here)_**. Jamie had turned the seat warmer on **_(making fun of me for not handling Scottish weather “Ye English, weak creatures”)_**. Shamelessly, I stole his coat to cover my _always-cold-legs_. The soft blur of Mark Knopfler’s voice on the radio and passing lights were the ones that made me sleepy. I awoke sometime later, noticing the familiar scenery disappeared and the darkness of the countryside had eaten all the electric lights. Jamie’s hand rested on my knee, his thumb drawing patterns that he only knew. He had a dreamy, faraway look about him. There was no GPS this time. Jamie knew his way, leading us through the Highlands where the history was almost palpable. Like that time _**(four days after car sex)** _when I had come back from a late shift at the hospital and called him.

_ It was the day I seemed to be annoyed with everything and everybody. I felt annoyed with Geillis and her endless discussion about her latest sexual encounter. With Adso for weeing on my fluffy bathroom rug. Even my touchpad on my phone betrayed me! Wasting my time on my coffee break with coffee that tasted like an old sock. Does it ever stop raining? And Jamie left for a four day trip to Broch Mordha. But most of all I was annoyed with myself for coming to the realization that **I actually missed him**. _

_I was exhausted. Too tired to cook, I ate three spoons of quinoa cold straight out of the fridge. Falling into bed, I felt each sore muscle in my back as I stared into the ceiling for minutes or possibly hours. I managed to get out of my clothes and just crawl under the duvet not showered, naked, with makeup on. Breaking all of my three own rules. _

_Jamie’s number was dialed in seconds without any hesitation **(my fourth rule was broken as well).** He picked up after five long beeps **(I actually counted).** _

_“Sassenach?” His voice deep with sleep. _

_Christ. What a smart one you are, Beauchamp. Normal people sleep at one am. He was asleep, clearly._

_ “Claire?” He shifted, readjusting position, sheets rustling in the background. “If someone abducted ye and yer calling me now to come and get ye, ye gotta let me know. Otherwise, I really would like to get back to my warm pillow. Of course, it’s not as nice as when yer with me but…” _

_There was banter in his voice but suddenly I felt ashamed, foolish for calling him like that. **(Hoping for what exactly? )** _

_"I’m sorry. I did not realize it was so late." The incoherent mumbling poured out of me then. I was telling him all about how annoyed I was all day, about the rug I probably would have to throw away, how can’t I sleep now and a million other things before he finally shushed me. _

_“I miss ye too, Sassenach.” _

_My mind stilled then. The warmth rising up somewhere inside, behind my breastbone and running down to my cold fingers and toes, creating the sun under my skin. _

_“Do ye want me to tell ye a story to sleep?” _

_He told me then all about ancient castles, about the brave Highlanders and the battles they fought, Jacobite rebellions, mythical creatures and tales of the mountains. He was a born storyteller. _ _Charming in fact. I had fallen asleep feeling his presence even though he was away._

Jamie looked like he belonged here. With the mountains and grassy moors. With Knopfler’s voice singing_ "You and me, babe, how about it?"_.

“I did not know you were Dire Straits fan”. The smile crept in and took possession of my lips as I whispered my silent observation. His eyes fixed on me for mere seconds but long enough to drown in the blue depths of them once again. He looked at me in a way that made me shiver, made me feel a growing warmth mixed with lust that went deep down to the marrow of my bones. The navy of his slightly slanted eyes dug inside and stamped a mark at the very bottom of my core. That same look he gave me when I sat _only-knickers-on_ at his bed legs crossed some days ago.

_I could feel the blue marks getting born under my skin at the tender layer of paleness on my thighs where he held me just minutes ago **(the bitterness of vague pain as his fingers pressed onto the tops of my flesh and the hot wave of my release making my stomach turn)**. Jamie’s place was a small studio on the outskirts of Edinburgh. It felt half empty and lonely, screamed for a touch of coziness. He’d explained he stays mostly in Broch Mordha with family. After his mom died a couple of years ago there was an aching hole and need for them to be together._

_ Jamie fell silent when we stood in the shower, hot water washing off the memories of my own parent's death. We slept. Together, limbs tangled under the rumpled sheets, Jamie’s warm hands soothing the marks he had left on me. That morning I’d said to him I wanted it easy and fun. “I don’t want to hurt you or myself. I want us to live in this moment. Just Claire and Jamie. No promises no regrets.” _

_“_ _I wouldna wish to hurt ye, Sassenach. Not ever.” _

_Then he stated more than asked, “It’s just Claire and Jamie having fun, see where it leads us, aye?” _

_For two nights, I dreamt about him. Of touching him. Of his swollen lip from my kiss. Of the way his breath hitched when he whispered “Claire”. I was painfully, utterly aware of him, of his presence making residence somewhere deep inside me. I lived with his smell** (sharp and clean, hay and crisp air)** which seemed to be everywhere, in each cell of mine and at the back of my throat. _

_Now my life consisted of flirty texting nonstop **(I did not know I was able to do that being 32 years old anymore)**, of occasional Skype sessions when Jamie was away to Broch Mordha (**me with a messy curly bun and old pajamas, glass of wine in one hand and Adso snuggling beside me; Jamie bare chest, bloody furnace he was, with whisky and his nieces and nephews popping to the screen from time to time)**. One of those evenings young Jamie had asked his uncle who I was. **(“that doctor lady ye talk a lot with, Ma says ye fancy her, is she yer girlfriend?”)** _

_My heart skips a bit then waiting for Jamie’s answer. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to hear it **(as if I hoped for something more, just drop it, Beauchamp)**. By now I’ve spent enough time with Jamie to know that his face could not hide any emotion. He would be the worst liar on Earth and there’s nothing that could be done about it. It was all there. Written on his face and easy for anyone to read. The tips of his ears became scarlet red as he shot a look to me on the screen and then back to his nephew who now was waving to me. _

_“Well, I do fancy Claire, aye.” _

_Before my smitten mind could conjure up any appropriate response wee Maggie was in the screen, climbing onto Jamie’s lap and pointing her little finger at me._

_ “Will ye marry her then, uncle Jamie?” _

_I choked on my wine and nearly spilled it on peacefully sleeping Adso. _

_“Should I call her doctor Claire, uncle Jamie?” Little girl shifted on Jamie’s laps looking up at him._

_ “Noooo, we should call her Auntie Claire!” Her brother grinned back. _

_“Yer wee devils, ye’ll make a lady uncomfortable and we dinna want that, right? Let yer uncle talk in peace. Jenny, mo cridhe?” _

_It was the voice of Brian Fraser. It was hard not to recognize as it had the same soft blur to it as Jamie’s. I haven’t seen him, neither the rest of Jamie’s family. Only his nephew and niece. It was a territory which was sort of forbidden to trespass. Because if we did it would mean we have something more than just a fling. The truth was we both did not know what it was between us. And what we wanted it to be? _

_“_ _C’mon. Get off yer uncle, the two of ye. There’s warm milk and shortbread cookies in the kitchen.” Jenny’s hands appeared on the screen helping the children off Jamie’s lap. _

_Of course, Jamie talked about me with his family. I did not know what he’d shared and how much they knew but I was grateful for them for respecting my private boundaries. I wasn’t ready to meet them but also there was never a discussion of such a possibility. It’s just that they knew about the existence of Claire Beauchamp as I knew Jamie’s family was very important to him. It was enough._

When we arrived at our final destination, it was pitch dark outside. On the way here I saw the sign that said Loch Lomond. We stood in front of the grey stoned cottage surrounded by mountains peeking out in the darkness. The stillness and quietness of the place was disturbed by the only sound of car engine still running on. A narrow stone walkway with shrubs of French Hydrangea and Azalea alongside led straight to a big wooden door. _“Taigh Beann”_ it said at the very top of it, carved into the bronze plate that hung above.

“Gaelic.” Jamie explained setting our groceries bags down. “It means House of the Mountains.”

The inside reminded me of a house of my grandparents where I spent many summers until the age of five. It was filled with all kinds of vases and figurines, large, dusty paintings of nature in gold frames, books of all imaginable kinds. The old, burgundy patterned rug laid in the living room where I squealed happily to find a fireplace. In the centre stood big brown leather couch the kind I hated in the summer because it made my skin stick to it. In the corner where green velvet armchair nestled, we found an oak round table. The bedroom was small but light. The bed was centered under a glorious skylight offering the promise of a magnificent view of a starry night sky. But the main attraction was the bathroom. My mouth dropped open and I grabbed Jamie’s hand in excitement. What I saw was stunningly beautiful. The floor was lined with marble tiles, the windows extended from floor to ceiling and ran the length of the wall. Imagine what breathtaking scenery might be outside. The centerpiece of the room was a large clawfoot bathtub big enough for two.

“I told ye there’s an improvement to yer shower, Sassenach” Jamie winked leaving me to stand astonished by the view.

Sometime later I sat in the armchair that Jamie had moved for me to the fireplace **_(saying that I probably lived in Spain or Greece in my previous life)_**. He himself retreated to the kitchen with a promise of dinner. I watched the flames dance and collide together all the same as we did. We’ve known each other for the past four weeks but sometimes it felt like a lifetime. Our days together consisted of talking about everything and nothing, snuggling up on my couch watching Netflix, of Jamie cuddling Adso all the time. Of me ordering takeaways and only cooking breakfasts in case if Jamie stayed for the night. We used to hit the pubs once a week and get obnoxiously drunk. Then, of course, there was sex. And some more sex. We were travelling back and forth between my apartment and his studio. Jamie had fixed something in my car after he had driven it once cursing that I could have killed myself and how on earth I did not hear that sound? His toothbrush that we picked up together at Boots now lived in my bathroom and my pink cat pajamas took a residence in his closet. At the times we were not together my phone buzzed every other hour. We talked so much that I had to consider having a second mobile phone not to let my private life intervene with work. And suddenly now it struck me. _What is going on Beauchamp? What has happened to you?_

_“I don’t like it.”_ My fingers typed a text hitting the button Send to Geillis.

Three dots appeared.

_“What’s that?” _

_“It doesn’t feel right.” _

_“Ye mean what he has in his pants? I thought it was all perfect till now…” _

Before I could reply to her in a hateful manner another two texts appeared on the screen.

_“Did he bring ye to a dark forest and now ye need help to escape? What was that movie about serial killer we watched..?” _

_“All joking aside, what’s wrong, Claire?” _

My teeth sunk into the bottom lip as I tried to conclude what I felt. Control. There it was._ I was losing it__. _Control over the situation, my feelings, over myself. Suddenly all my life always ordered and stable went down the hill adjusting to one James Fraser. I didn’t realize just till now how much I allowed him to creep under my skin in such a short time. Usual Claire wouldn’t let anyone take her away to some trip on a whim. At least I would have bartered with him or set my conditions.

A painful lump in my throat seemed to travel down and settle around my heart squeezing it. I thought there was actual physical pain. I knew what made me feel so insecure. It was the way Jamie made me feel. Safe, cherished, _loved **(?)**_. He was always there. Ready to be my strength and help. My safe place to come back to, where all my masks would come off and my vulnerable self stands. Like the time I caught a cold but have been so busy I had no time even to take any medicine.

_Geillis dropped a pharmacy bag on my lap with a smirk on her face. “That’s from yer laddie. I dinna recall Frank ever did it to ye.” Inside there was a box of paper tissues, lozenges for sore throat, a box of Theraflu, and a little jar that looked like a jam with a yellow sticky note on it. _

_“I’m sure yer to busy being wrists-deep into a human that ye dinna have time to get any medicine. Even Jenny heard yer cough over the phone yesterday. Btw, that’s her handmade raspberry jam, especially for ye. I couldna get it to ye myself, have business at the brewery. Take care. Xxx.” _

_I grabbed a tissue from the box pretending I had a runny nose but in truth, there was a swell of tears. Geillis only smiled and left me alone staring at the bag Jamie put together for me. _

Or the time when I had to cancel our date being summoned to work.

_There were times I felt confident in what I was doing. But there were moments when even years of studying and experience did not give me enough confidence facing the difficult surgeries. I was half ready for the theatre play we were going to visit when our plans got interrupted. I had to be in the surgery for repair of aneurysm. Calling Jamie and mumbling “Sorry” every other second I could not stop myself from letting him know that I was actually anxious. _

_“There also might be a loss of blood flow to the legs from a blood clot…” _

_" Ye'll do just fine, Sassenach. Dinna fash. Ye have done this before, right?” He asked softly._

_ “Yes. But you can never guess possible complications and…” I sighed getting into my car. “Do you think I am a bad surgeon?” _

_“I dinna think that, Claire. I ken that yer an excellent one. And ye shouldna ever doubt yerself. How long will it take?” _

_“_ _Three to five hours.” _

_“_ _I’m verra proud of ye, Sassenach.” _

_Despite my worries the surgery went smooth. The patient was sent to ICU and was stable. I felt if the train ran over me. It was 6 am by the time I finally made it out of the hospital. Jamie’s car was standing outside and I rubbed my eyes thinking I’m imagining it. I wasn’t. _

_“What are you doing here?” I asked when I reached the car. “How long have you been here?” _

_Jamie took a sip of coffee, handing me a paper Starbucks cup._

_ “About two and a half hours I suppose. Didna want to miss ye.” _

_“Oh Jamie” I bit my lip and locked arms around his neck, my head dropped to his chest. “You didn’t need to do it but I’m glad you’re here.” _

_“Aye, I did.” His lips softly brushed over my temple. “How did it go?” _

_“Very well.” I whispered feeling my eyelids burn with the exhaustion of doing surgery for four hours. _

_Despite my weak protests, he brought me home. Sent me into the shower and by the time I was done he’d made scrambled eggs for me, watched that I ate all of it, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned up Adso’s litter tray and finally put me to bed as if I was a child. On the edge of sleep, I reached for his cheek, cupping it gently. “Where did you come from? Surely you’re not real” _

_He chuckled catching my hand to plant a kiss on each finger. “As far as I ken Ellen and Brian Frasers are the ones to blame for my existence. Sleep now, mo duinne.”_

Another text from Geillis popped on the screen.

_“Do ye like him?”_

There I typed something I was afraid to acknowledge, something I would not be able to say out loud. But something that my fingers managed to write down on a cold white screen.

_“I think I’m falling for him, Geillis. And it scares me. It scares the hell out of me.” _

Three dots appeared and then stopped. And appeared again.

_“Oh yer my wee poor thing. I tell ye this. Go with the flow, dinna force things but dinna resist either. I bet the lad likes ye more than ye think. He likes ye, ye like him. Just let it happen, Claire. It will lead ye to something eventually. And if ye need my shoulder to cry on, I am always there for ye.”_

* * *

James Fraser was never sure what love is or what it felt like. Of course, he loved his family. He loved his sister and his nephews. Jamie would have turned the world upside down for them. He loved Ian who was like a brother to him. At the age of thirteen, Jamie thought he was in love with the neighbour’s daughter Maryl. She was bonnie. Tall and elegant with long ruddy hair just like his. He loved the feeling when they kissed. But then Brian Fraser told his youngest son that when he would meet the right woman he’ll feel it. From that time on Jamie has always remembered his Da’s words. Every time he tried to catch that feeling but it never was right. Until the moment he met Claire Beauchamp. It was as a stab into his heart and she was the only one who could stop the bleeding. As much as he tried to understand how this woman can make him want to ravish her until there’s nothing left of her and at the same time cradle and love her as the most precious thing in the world he still couldn’t. But Jamie knew he was falling in love with her and she would be the end of him.

Jamie’s voice was soft and slightly husky as he murmured along with the music playing from his phone. The kitchen was filled with a delicious smell of the meat he’d cooked and I needed to smile at the candles he had put on the table. Who would think there was a romantic inside this big Scot. My heart shattered just a bit with a sound of old cracks in it with each step I took finally reaching him from the back.

“Sassenach.”

My hands circled around him, face pressed to his broad back.

“You want to know a secret?”

“I do if it is something yer willing to share”. I could feel him smile without a need to see his face.

“I fancy you, Jamie. Very much.” My confession mirrored his that was said days ago.

“Do ye now, mo ghraidh?” He turned then to me grinning.

“What does it mean? You called me that before.” Now I smiled being trapped in his arms.

“I tell ye sometime later.” Jamie leaned in to kiss me. For a second it made me forget about our dinner. But he pulled off before I could make further implications on him.

“I have a lot of excellent plans for us tomorrow.”

“Oh do you then?” I could not resist patting his arse.

He smiled.

“Oh aye. I do.”

The rain started to fall down washing the day off as well as my worries.


	5. Lovestruck. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Certain Jamie Fraser together with certain Claire Beauchamp consider a love path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part II has landed, my friends. I hope you enjoy it. :)
> 
> NSFW under the cut.
> 
> As always I’ll never get tired to say the words of appreciation to my beta LadyJane518 <3 
> 
> Thank you for sticking with this story, guys.  
♥

_Jamie ran feeling his leg muscles burn with the effort. Endlessly long, his feet stumbling over the dry branches cracking under his feet startling forest’s inhabitants that seem not to care of his attempt to escape. They know there is no way out. He feels the slap of wet leaves on his face and scratches all over his skin. An aching hollow space inside his chest is growing bigger and bigger. Ultimately, Jamie knows his heart will be ripped out at the end. The sweat dripped down his face forming salty paths. Jamie wants to scream that it stops. He wants to fall down and beg for mercy. But something behind pushes him back further and further into the darkness. His own mother’s voice whispering “Ye didna try hard enough.” In the end, the darkness has won. Once again he succumbs to its cold clutches_.

* * *

The crisp, fresh Highland air always brings him back on track. Jamie thinks it is one of the main reasons why he feels much better when he’s in the wilderness, especially since his Mam has passed away. He enjoys the freezing early morning air, giving his skin goosebumps and his mind to think straight once again. He shivers at the swoosh of cold wind. His toes slowly developing a bluish tinge standing on a chilly stone patio. The skies are pink aquarelle with white fluffy marshmallow clouds passing by. Jamie can hear the birds taking charge of the morning chirping away in the garden in front of him. He thinks Claire would love the view.

_Claire. _

Jamie tiptoes back inside closing the doors behind him back facing the wall. Even if he wanted to wake her to catch the beauty of early rising he could not do it. Jamie has learned by now that Claire was a relatively light sleeper. Not by her nature but rather her professional duties. She always slept with her iPhone kept near at hand always, heard each and every message and call. Sometimes Jamie wanted to throw that technical invention through the window and see it break into small pieces. It was his only chance to see her peaceful. Her face always seemed to be concentrating, as if she was not truly asleep. But now that little crease between her eyebrows seemed to be gone.

Claire usually slept like a child with her knees brought up close to her body and wrapped up into a blanket cocoon-like, now was sprawled on her back. The mass of curls exploded into the waves all over the pillow. Like a crown, he thought. One of her breasts peeked from under the quilt, her veins cast a bluish trail over her pale skin all the way down the soft hip pressed to the mattress in its relaxed shape. Jamie was sure he knew each and one of those blue paths under her skin and could trace the map of them on her body with his eyes closed. The morning sun travelled through the thin curtains running its warm rays over Claire’s skin.

There was something that came to his mind so sudden that the realisation almost knocked him down.

_ Sorcha. _

She was his remedy from that darkness he was running from. That light he longed for so badly but could never find. When Jamie slid under the blankets next to her she stirred just a bit but did not wake. He could try to speak to her in English, Gaelic, French; he would even learn any other language just trying to explain what he felt. But it still would not be enough. He was falling in love. Falling in love gave him the same tickling sensation inside his belly and made him breathless as when he rode the roller coaster for the first time at the age of ten.

* * *

Half awake and drowsy I thought that my cat decided to crawl under the quilt in an attempt to beg for his morning feeding. My eyes snapped open when reality kicked in.I viewed a glorious pink sky surrounding the high mountains I saw yesterday through the window of the cottage. The sun crept along the wall, drawing knitted lines of light there. I watched the sunny glimpse run away **_(creation of the curtains dancing in the wind)_**. It climbed up on the bed all the way up burying itself inside Jamie’s red hair that shone like Amber. His head found its residence in the valley between the milky white of my legs. Jamie’s lips softly touched a spot on the inner side of my thigh where three birthmarks gathered together.

“Ye ken ye have a witch mark here?” His thumb circled dark dots upon my skin.

Something that vaguely sounded like “mmmm” escaped my mouth. All of a sudden I forgot how to breathe.

_"Now I ken about them too.” _

The rest of the blanket was pushed aside falling to the floor with a soft whisper. It was the competing temperatures, the cool air of the room playing against my hot skin, that raised goosebumps all over me. I tried to tell him that I am not a witch though **_(as if they really existed and he was going to execute me)._ **But the words remained stuck inside my throat only letting out a moan when the velvet of Jamie’s tongue descended lower. In mere seconds, my legs began to tremble, hips instinctively rising up with want. But Jamie’s hand laid atop my stomach keeping me pinned on the mattress. A shuddering sigh left my seized lungs as Jamie flicked his tongue once, twice and then his lips closed over the sensitive flesh sucking. The ceiling started to spin above and I closed my eyes, surrendering to the only existing thing in the world that moment - Jamie. His exploration up and down, from left to right, circling and suckling did not last long before the daylight has disappeared from the view and my cry echoed in the room. As the real world returned and I regained my senses, I felt my breathing slowly return from short gasping breaths. Jamie's blue eyes settled on me excitedly remarking, _"We have a great day ahead of us." _

Jamie indeed had plans. It was hiking in fact **_(“it’s a must in Highlands, ye canna not do it”)_**. Mentally I kicked myself for stopping jogging in the mornings. How big is the chance that I’m not going to be out of breath ten minutes into our nature exploration? The yoga classes where I went with Geillis was also abandoned after several weeks._ “I stand enough on my feet in the surgery”_ I reasoned with myself **_(and Geillis who made a remark about having “trained arse”)._**

With perfectly ripe avocados on toast and cherry tomatoes for breakfast **_(with occasional kisses in between, Jamie tasting sweetly of orange juice and I of strong coffee )_** we made it outdoors. The Highlands was dressed in autumn.

The leaves were toned in shades of orange, red, and gold causing the scenery to look as if someone had spilled paint down them. Other sepia coloured leaves fell down, whispering their goodbyes to the last warm days. They rustled softly as they dropped from dry branches bidding their farewells. I remembered as a child I liked collecting star-shaped maple leaves, creating a bouquet of reddish-brown remnants of summer. I used to put them between the pages of my Dad’s books in his office. Usually, he would find them days later and smile at me. Together we would take them out and stick into the notebook I had. We did that each autumn until my blue notebook was left behind. As well as the life of my parents when uncle Lamb turned the keys to close the door of our London house. That way he locked away my childhood forever.

Jamie was a walking book of legends and stories. Since we left the cottage he was telling me all kinds of things I’ve never even heard about. He made a remark that I should be ashamed I live in Scotland and only heard about the Loch Ness Monster.

“Have ye ever heard about Kelpies?”

“No, I haven’t,” I shook my head clinging to Jamie’s forearm for support when we passed a muddy puddle.

“Kelpies were said to take the form of a horse. They could also take a human form. They would use their beauty to lure people to climbing upon them before being taking them into the water, not to be seen again.”

“Charming.” I grimaced.

“Dinna fash, I willna let them take ye.” Jamie laughed grabbing me by the waist before I was trapped under his lips.

The cool mid-autumn air slightly burned inside of my throat when I inhaled too deeply. Not being used to such fresh, crisp sensation I coughed feeling my eyes water. Jamie who walked next to me, kicking the leaves with his shoes, squeezed my hand softly.

“Yer okay, _mo nighean donn?”_

I liked the sound of the Gaelic he spoke sometimes. His ability to fluidly incorporate it into his speech when he spoke to me made me long to hear it even more. Made me long for him. There was something about the way he sounded. The soft lilt of his voice, the deepness of his accent with a trace of huskiness that poisoned my blood with curiosity and mystery. I was dying to know what he was saying but also wished it to remain a secret. But I could not resist.

“Jamie, what you just said, what does it mean?”

Jamie stopped turning me to face him. His warm breath travelled upon my skin as his forehead leaned to meet mine. He smiled lips curling into a soft shape.

“It means my brown-haired lass.”

“Rather a dull colour I always thought,” I whispered, the pink blooming in my cheeks.

His lips brushed mine. Hands tangling around his neck, I kissed back, fingers running along with the soft curls on his nape.

_“No,”_ Jamie’s finger gently touched a stray curl on my cheek. _“No, not dull at all. It’s like the water in a burn, the way it ruffles down the rocks. Dark in the wavy spots with wee bits of auburn when the sun touches it.”_

I knew this wasn’t just a crush on him. I was well and truly smitten. There was such a serenity when he was around that I could not imagine how should I carry on if he suddenly disappeared. My heart was swelling with my feelings growing with something that one day I could name as love. And I was unquestionably petrified but with him, there was nothing I could be afraid of. Every time he looked at me like that, the world seemed to stop.When he kissed me, I felt breathless as if all the air left my lungs. His presence, his being was stretching throughout my whole body wrapping around my heart and cradling my soul between his hands. _How could I not be falling in love with this man? _

_Jamie softly kissed her temple when she closed her eyes. His heart leapt as he held her like that. They stood there in the middle of nowhere, with the mountain rising above them, golden leaves falling down. They were spiralling all the way to the ground as the signs of a bright future life holds for them. The way Claire’s body melted into his, her chin rested at the crook of his neck, Jamie’s hands holding her waist tightly. It was more intimate than anything else they’d done already. “Claire, about what ye said yesterday,” He spoke quietly into her hair. “Do ye really feel that way?” Her words echoed in his fevered mind. ‘I fancy you. Very much.’ She nodded. A romantic inside Jamie wanted to tell her that he loved her from the first moment Claire’s solid head bumped into him but he nodded back tightening his grip on her._

The mountains rose high into the blue. We passed fields with yellowish grass, still wet with morning dew making our shoes damp; It was a glorious expanse of dried grass softly rustling in the wind bending over where we walked creating a pathway. When my fingers became cold and numb from the freezing Highlands wind Jamie untangled our hands to share the pocket of his jacket with me. We ate a tuna sandwich and vinegar crisps on the wooden bench that stood in the valley near an abandoned cabin. Jamie spilled half of our coffee from the tumbler he prepared. I stifled a need to laugh at him, my thumb gently sweeping away sandwich crumbs from his lower lip. My lips chapped from the wind but Jamie’s touch soothed the burning sensation.

“Ye ken that Loch Lomond,” Jamie pointed to the left where in the distance a great lake stretched out. “Is the largest water lake in British Isles?”

“It surely looks like it,” I smiled looking at the dark water on the horizon. “How do you know so much?”

Jamie chuckled speeding up in front of me to let me pass in safety then, with the help of his steady hand.

“I grew up in the countryside, Sassenach. That’s where I belong. That’s what I love. A Scot must know his history.”

“You know, you would be one of those Highlander warriors in the past for sure.” Laughing, I pinched his biceps.

When we reached the blanket of trees at the base of the mountain, the sun started to go down in the horizon. The sky almost vanished in the forest leaving us with small glimpses of the blue coming through the thickness of pines above us. We took at least a hundred awful selfies during our four-hour hike. I spied a flower that bloomed in all possible shades of purple. Crouching down, I took a picture of it so I could look it up later. I heard the leaves rustling under Jamie’s feet when he appeared next to me holding out his phone.

“I, er… I... I need to take a pish,” Jamie announced shyly. “Dinna want to drop it down the rocks”

“Smart.” I chuckled hiding his iPhone into the depths of my jeans pocket.

The mist started to gather around covering the ground with a smoky quilt. I inhaled fresh air perfumed with the rich fragrances of the trees and plants. It was filled with a promise of coming rain clouds ready to burst any moment. I mentally estimated how long we have to get to the cottage before we got soaking wet. The buzz of Jamie’s phone took me out of my thoughts. Not sure what to do, I fished it out my pocket.

“Jamie, you got a text!” I shouted into the tall trees startling a lonely bird from the bush.

“Who’s it from?” His voice echoed back somewhere from the left. Hesitating for a few seconds I looked down at the screen to see the message. Involuntarily my eyes ran along two lines of letters.

_ “How are u, mo ghraidh? Dougal popped by, said he canna reach ye, it was urgent. I guessed ye didna have a connection there. Xx.”_

The box_ From_ said** Jen** with two emojis -a heart and a house. It was Jenny.

“It’s your sister.” I handed him the phone when he came out brushing off the pine needles from his pants. When we were going down I wondered what those words meant that Jenny had called him. It was something he’d said to me once before. While Jamie was telling me something about the castle that we could see from our path I googled the meaning of Gaelic that I could not understand. It said, _“My love”_ and my heart sank down my chest and then almost broke free out of it ready to burst with happiness.

_My love._

* * *

The countryside stretched itself around us in brown, golden and burgundy stains of colours. The hills rolled in soft waves of yellow grass meeting the ground in the valleys with hidden flora. We walked back in companionable silence holding our hands, fingers securely tangled together, not breaking that needed contact between us. When there was less than a kilometre until we get to the house the grey skies grumbled with anger. The heavy clouds no longer wanted to wait and cold drops started to fall down as gunfire. In no time it turned into a heavy storm soaking the ground beneath us until it was soft and slippery under our feet. The downpour of water felt icy cold and we had to run lest we get completely wet. The wind howled muting our laughs but for once in the longest time, I felt reckless and happy.

Jamie went to the bedroom peeling off his clothes that stuck to the skin. I followed in suit, not wishing to catch a cold and left a damp pile of clothes on the floor. While I had the time I filled the bathtub with steaming water. Turning off the main light the room went into the warm glow of the candles I’d managed to find in the cabinet in the living room. They were half used, the wax melted into peculiar figures. I had placed them in the corners near the windows and popped a couple on the bathtub sides. Sliding down the water, my eyes closed at the feeling of heat soaking into me. I physically could feel each muscle in my body relax and become numb, limp.

Jamie stood in a doorway looking at me quietly. In this light, he reminded me of a Greek statue. He was beautifully made. With long, graceful bones and flat muscles that flowed smoothly from the curves of chest and shoulder to the slight concavities of belly and thigh. He was fair with bits of freckles but slightly touched by the sun, toned in a way that reminded me floral honey.

“Come here,” I spoke quietly lifting my hand up from the depths of the water.

He walked over slowly, stepping gracefully as a cat, not breaking our gaze. I felt a tight knot in the bottom of my belly starting to ache just by looking at him. Soon his boxers were left aside together with the puddle of my clothes. The water raised slightly when Jamie got in, sitting behind me, my back pressed to his chest. His hands roamed on the water slick sides of my thighs and my head dropped down his shoulder. I hummed an appreciative ‘hmmm’ at his touch. It felt soothing and much needed after our long hike.

“I must tell ye something, Sassenach.” His voice sounded husky. It was the tone that pulled at the deepest strings inside me. “I’m sure ye bewitched me. Cause for God’s sake I canna imagine how I managed to live without ye before.”

My head turned slightly to the left as my lips had found the column of his neck. I loved to touch him. But not just in a sexual way. Being with him, simply existing in the same space, in a distance of millimetres of each other. This became my everyday dose of oxygen. I craved him. All of him. Including his soul and heart and all of his body. He seeped deep into my being and would remain there forever I was sure of it. And I could not remember life before him anymore. As it simply could not be there without James Fraser. I ached for him every time we separated and I would be a damn fool to deny that.

“I think I can’t imagine that either,” I whispered kissing my way down his torso. When he was well-loved with my lips, my mouth and hands Jamie pulled me up cradling my face between his palms.

_ “I could love ye, Claire. I could love ye well.” _

I exhaled feeling his moist full lips tracing my collarbone.

When Jamie lifted me up from the water that became our shelter of warmth and my hands circled around his neck I remembered.

When Jamie kissed the tip of my nose I remembered twisting my ankle two years ago on the slippery grocery store tile after the rain.

When his hands held me tightly, the drops scattering off my body I remembered calling first Geillis asking to bring me to A&E.

When Jamie’s lips softly touched my forehead I remembered that I called Frank but he did not pick up being busy at the meeting.

When Jamie passed the first stair I remembered I stayed home and felt lonely.

When Jamie’s lips dragged down my neck I remembered that Frank had left to the conference in London saying that he’d call me several times a day to check on me.

When Jamie gently laid me down the bed I remembered feeling awfully lonely despite Frank’s words of reassurance and support, calls and promise to come back soon.

When Jamie’s thumb brushed over my nipple I remembered feeling empty.

When Jamie held me I felt safe. And when he leaned in to kiss me I whispered into his lips.

_“I could love you too. I could love you well.”_


	6. Flecks of sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions can never be planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all who keeps following this story, who hits Kudos, likes and reblogs on Tumblr and gives a kind word in the comments.  
It means a lot <3  
I am still genuinely surprised somebody finds it interesting but I DO appreciate each and one of you for that.
> 
> This chapter has been much saved by my trusty beta Anne. Thank you!  
She's been my source of any possible and impossible medical info I need, patiently answering all of my questions, giving me advice and just generally making this story so much better! 
> 
> As I mentioned on Tumblr there might be longer time stretch between the chapters cause I'm quite busy at the moment but we have a lot of things awaiting Jamie and Claire in the future.

Saying goodbye was something Jamie and I were very bad at. The moment we would part with a kiss_ (so soft that it leaves a lingering tenderness float over the lips)_ we text or call in a space of an hour again. We were inseparable and I could not even remember anymore how it was to live without Jamie’s constant presence in my life.

Without him making the best coffee I’ve ever had.

Without the heavyweight of his arm over my waist that kept me imprisoned in the mornings in our bed.

Without our hours-long calls when we both were in our beds on different sides of Edinburgh.

Without his solid body and warmth on my couch with a bowl of crisps and Netflix on.

Without his lips on my skin and his hands knowing every inch of my body better than anyone.

Without Jamie cuddling Adso but next moment cursing in Gaelic when my cat decides to scratch him.

Without Jamie’s quiet reassurance and gentleness when my days are particularly hard at work and he’d come with me in the shower, working out the tight muscles in my back.

Without him just being there.

Our absolute inability at saying goodbyes was one of the reasons I was invited to Broch Mordha. After I was away for a week in Boston for a medical conference, Jamie simply asked me to meet his family. So now I found myself in the kitchen next to Jenny who was making dinner. Jamie had gone to the stables to check on the new horse Brian bought before he left for Glasgow. Ian was away at work and all the children were visiting his parents. I was left alone with Jenny and somehow I felt more nervous than I anticipated. She was Jamie’s older sister and nothing escaped her eye. I’ve felt like under the microscope.

* * *

Claire’s cheeks were positively glowing when she realised it was a selfie of her and Jamie snapped on his phone during their hiking two weeks ago. It was a silly one. Jamie was smiling from ear to ear. He looked as if he received the best news ever while Claire gave him a smooch on the cheek. Her hair loose, framing her face. She had the look of a woodland faerie wild and free.

Jenny snorted noticing Claire's face had become a lovely shade of scarlet.

“Jamie put it there right after yer wee hike adventure,” Jenny adjusted a magnet  ** _(that she and Ian brought from Greece)_ ** that held a small square photo. “This is our fridge of ridiculous family photos.” 

A lopsided smile touched Jenny’s lips as she turned back to the salad she was preparing. No longer under the curious gaze of Jamie's older sister, Claire looked at the numerous pictures of the Frasers gracing the refrigerator.

There were childhood photos of all siblings, including William. One captured all three of them playing in a small swimming pool outside on a particularly sunny day. A little girl about six-years-old, with two dark ponytails, was laughing while she was held high up by her father. Her brother Willie, accompanied by his red-headed brother Jamie, seemed fascinated by a yellow ball he held in his hands. Jamie clearly made an effort to relieve his brother of the toy.

Claire’s eyes moved up finding a picture of Christmas day.

In that picture, Ellen Fraser sat with a little swaddled baby in her arms, _ (it was Jamie, Claire assumed), _ on a carpet by the huge Christmas tree surrounded by her other two bairns, who proudly held their new presents, with ripped wrapping paper scattered around them. 

A black and white photo captured their wedding day showing the happy faces of Frasers standing outside the church in Inverness. Another one of Jamie all dressed up at his High school graduation. One of Jenny holding her university diploma, both parents proud at her side. Ian and Jenny on their honeymoon in Spain, ridiculously tanned. Pictures of all the family members outside the hospital commemorating the birth of Jenny and Ian's first born. Ian looked overwhelmed as he held his newborn son, Jenny drowning in bouquets of flowers with a blue balloon floating over her head that said:  _ “It’s a boy!”. _

And now there was a picture of Jamie and Claire. Somehow she felt thrilled by the fact that Jamie decided to put their photo there as she belonged to this family. Showing that Claire was part of their family seemed important to him. As she turned to ask if Jenny needed any help, Jamie’s sister picked up a phone that was ringing for the second time already. Claire never knew that colour from someone’s cheeks can drain away that quickly. 

“Jenny?” She tentatively touched her shoulder watching her face become paler and paler. Something frighteningly awful happened to cause a cold feeling to rise from deep within Claire's belly.

_ “It’s Jamie. There’s been an accident.” _

_ * * * _

When people experience sleep paralysis they often describe a feeling of choking, as if some supernatural creature would sit on their chest purposely cutting an airflow in their lungs. I felt that and more. When Jenny slid down the barstool, her hand still holding a phone I stepped closer. Her face became paper white. I managed to compose myself adopting that professional mask I always used in the hospital in spite of my breathing becoming harsh and uneven.

“Jenny, what happened? Tell me.”

She raised her head, eyes fixed on my face but not actually seeing me.

Jenny tried to stand up but shifted and almost dissolved into my arms. “Jamie had fallen from a horse. He doesna move.” 

_ He doesna move. _

Each syllable ran through my head as a manifesto cutting deep into the tissue of my brain.

Jenny sobbed, chin quivering. 

“Jamie is good with horses but…” She gulped and escaped from my hand that was tight on her shoulder. “Dear God, I canna lose another brother.”

She spoke in a trembling voice and her hands shook causing me to feel the weight of a ton of bricks pressing down on my chest. With each shallow breaths, I thought I could actually feel my sternum crush. Like Jenny, my legs became weak, numb lacking the strength to carry me. My mouth became dry, my eyes burned but no tears came and I gasped for breath like a fish removed from its watery home.

“Christ, what if he’s dead” Jenny whispered flying out the door into the misty evening. 

“He’s not.” I tried to sound confident but inside I just wanted to shake her and scream  _ “Of course he’s fucking not!”. _

I never knew I could run this fast. I never thought I would feel that terrifying paralyzing fear of losing someone again, not so soon after learning about Uncle Lamb's heart condition. With each meter closer to the stables my stomach clenched and the coffee I had an hour ago threatened to escape, rising up in my mouth. I tried not to imagine all the possible images of Jamie’s injured body. Jenny’s gasps and cries were crawling inside me waking my own fears, making me sick. When my eyes caught the side of Ian’s figure crouched down next to still Jamie the tears snaked down my cheeks. Sniffing, I dried the salty paths away with the back of my hand.

  
Suddenly I remembered when a young nurse had asked me if I could perform surgery on someone I love, on someone significant. I said I wasn’t sure. In fact, I could not. She asked me if I felt the pain when I lost a patient’s life. My answer was that of course, I did. But not without reason some people call doctors cold-hearted. If we were allowed to show our true emotions it would become a mess. There were times I had to tell that terrible news to relatives and then afterwards in the company of my cat I could allow myself to feel that pain and sadness. 

But now it was Jamie. This very moment I knew true fear. The reality suspended around me and the only thing I tried to think of was the severity of the fall from the horse.

Jamie’s skin was pale and there was sweat glistening along his forehead as far as I could see. My heart was beating erratically as my trembling fingers searched and found the carotid artery on his neck. I exhaled feeling the steady pulse at his clammy skin.

“Have you called the ambulance?” 

“Aye, I did the second I’d found him like this.” Ian ran his hand through hair, biting his lip nervously.

“Is he alright? He’ll wake up, right? Claire?” Jenny was squeezing Ian’s hand with such force that I was afraid she would break it.

Her voice was a mixture of hope and fear, projecting her worried state of mind and confusion on me. My eyes closed as I willed myself to concentrate pushing my emotions aside.

“First of all, we need to get him to Emergency. He fell from a height and I am not sure whether he hit his head, for that he must have CAT scan.” 

Jenny nodded as she clung to her husband.

“He’ll likely regain his consciousness within the minute but if not please, don’t panic. He’ll be alright.” My voice shook at those last words. Slow but steady rising and falling of Jamie’s chest was a reassuring sign of him breathing. And I smoothed his red curls back with my palm.  _ “You’ll be just fine. I'll make sure of it” _

And that same moment Jamie’s hand stirred slightly, a little twitch but enough for my eyes start to water again. This time with relief.

His eyes fluttered open. Jamie looked disoriented and the way his lips curled into a tight line I could tell he was in pain.

“Hi there,” I whispered my palm cupping his cheek gently. “You fell off a horse, honey. But you’re going to be okay.”

He made an effort to nod, his eyes closed again.

“Jamie, are you hurt?” 

“My shoulder-”

I saw his Adam’s apple bob under his skin as he swallowed.

“Hurts like hell. And I feel dizzy.” It took a great amount of exertion for those words to come out. 

“Be still now.” I shushed him seeing the lights of the ambulance arriving, blue lights ablaze.

* * *

Jamie had been put onto the stretcher with me sitting beside him holding onto his hand. Finally, we arrived at the hospital where I was relegated to wait in the hospital waiting room.

The hospital of Inverness was about three times smaller than the one in Edinburgh where I worked every day. The manicured hand of the receptionist pointed me to the waiting room. That room reminded me of a train station with its plastic chairs, grey painted walls, and a sad lonely ficus. The ficus failed at an attempt to brighten and lend some coziness to the room. My imagination seemed to be running wild, as I thought that even the radiators shivered from the starkness of the place.

Picking up an old issue of Elle magazine from the colourful stack I flicked through it without actually paying attention to the content. In about twenty minutes after becoming quite sick of the TV programs playing along with their obnoxious commercials, I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. A nurse, Laura as her name badge indicated, peered at me as she tapped her clipboard with a pen.

“Ma’am are ye a relative of James Fraser?”

“No-,” I shook my head, standing up. My knees painfully jerked on the table that stood in front of me sending pain down my legs. 

The nurse quirked her eyebrow in a question and before she made a guess I blurted the first thing seemed logical.

_ “A girlfriend.”  _

Laura clicked her tongue as if she did not believe me and after scribbling something down with a blue and white pen she guided me to the hallway. Her hand felt heavy and cold on my back and her accent made me replay her words in my mind at least twice.

“Mr Fraser has a severe concussion. CAT scan hasn’t shown any bleeding but we advise the patient to stay overnight to monitor the symptoms.”

I just nodded walking over the sleek floors in the hallway space where my eyes started to hurt from all shiny steel and bright white walls.

“The dislocated shoulder was treated and we’ve given him ibuprofen for the pain but he’ll need rest and peace. Mr Fraser has asked about ye. Do ye wish to stay over the night, Ma’am?”

* * *

When I entered Jamie’s hospital room he was asleep. Worn out by the accident and all the procedures that followed. Jamie rested quietly in the realm of Morpheus now. Giving my eyes a few moments to adjust to the darkness I reached the bed where he laid as quietly as I could. My lips softly brushed over his forehead before I slid down the chair next to him.

Just then I allowed myself to exhale deeply, all the feelings catching up with me.

I sat there in the darkness of a late November evening watching the lights of lonely passing cars draw lines over Jamie’s face.  My previous organised state of mind turned to dust in the revelation of the night creeping in. Tears stained my cheeks sliding down into the valley of my neck and finally creating a damp stain on my sweater.

I wasn’t sure where it came from but the slightest idea of _ losing Jamie, losing us  _ created a hollow aching space inside my heart. It made me wrap my arms around myself for comfort as I shook my head reminding myself to breathe. 

_ Just breathe. _

You can never learn how to lose someone you love.

I’ve lost both of my parents. I was five at the time and maybe I didn't quite understand the idea of death but that evening I not only lost my parents, I also lost my childhood and old carefree self. I never got a chance to say how much I love them one more time. I’ve regretted it all my life. No matter how often I would repeat those words visiting their grave each year it would never fill that endless hole inside me.

I never got a chance to say those words to uncle Lamb. How many times did I let this sense of regret eat the flesh of my heart like a vulture devouring carrion? I knew about the poor state of his health during his last years. And I berated myself for not saying "I love you" enough.

The slightest idea of losing Jamie now slashed a deep, bleeding scar over my heart. The tears burst like a water dam, lashes heavy with dampness, my hand pressed over my lips afraid to wake Jamie with my cries.

The fear was ripping through my heart, my very being, coming out it wrenching sobs, turning my guts out. Everything became a blur as the sounds became muffled leaving me in complete silence with the only echo of my own quiet confession.

** _“I love you”_ **

* * *

“I love you.” My lips repeated those three simple words again as if I was not sure I’d said them a minute ago. Sniffling into the sleeves of my sweater and smearing the remains of mascara I leaned to Jamie.

“You scared the hell out of me,” my whisper sounded hoarse and raspy. “I know you’d laugh at me. You’d say I’m a doctor and you’re in good hands. But Jamie…”

A nervous chuckle came out as I took his hand in mine, my thumb placing gentle caresses over his warm skin. Maybe I was a coward but it was easy to tell him all this while he slept.

“I can’t lose you. I can’t” 

I kept repeating those words until the rivers on my cheeks dried out and all the sounds around came back to me. Soothed by Jamie’s quiet breathing my fingers caressed his stubbled jaw.

_ “It’s as if my soul that’s been torn and reborn started breathing from the moment you found me.” _

His hand slightly twitched in mine, fingers seeking that contact. But he was still asleep. Bringing his palm to mine I pressed my dry lips to it. The same as he did on our first night together.

_ “Good God, I know it’s dangerous. To let myself having someone I’m afraid to lose. But it’s you that I need.” _

I smiled.

“You know, when I went to that medical conference in Boston I swear I kept thinking about you each minute.”

_ After our ‘wee’ getaway to the Highlands life resumed its chaotic rhythm and swayed us away into the depths of it. Joe and I had to leave to the medical conference in Boston for a week. Jamie also had an urgent business he needed to deal with together with his uncles at the brewery.  _

_ We said our goodbyes with sloppy kisses at the airport and fifteen minutes rushed sex in the men toilet **(where firstly I wiped the toilet seat before Jamie had settled himself down and then me on him)**. He laughed saying that I am ridiculously hygienic (**calling me Dr.Beauchamp as he bit my earlobe gently)**. After moderately satisfying goodbye sex we parted promising to call each other each evening. In fact, we spoke only three times during that week and I ached for Jamie. _

_ When day six arrived I was so ready to come back to beloved rainy and windy Scotland. Jamie and I chatted on Whatsapp for an hour creating so many plans for when I come back (it included a sex marathon to make up for the time apart, eating our favourite Chinese takeaway, going to see the new Marvel movie, Jamie promising to fix the dripping sink in my bathroom and me coming to Broch Mordha). _

_ It was something I did not expect but something I was no longer wanting to reject. As I folded the last piece of clothing into my suitcase Jamie’s voice message popped on the app. _

_ “Claire, there’s something I wanted to ask ye. But firstly I want ye to know there’s no pressure or anything like that. And ye can say no, I willna be offended. But it is important for me and I would be glad if ye agreed.”  _

_ His tone became a bit quieter then. _

_ “I would love ye to come to Broch Mordha. To meet Jenny and Ian, to meet my Da. I could show ye around. Maybe ye could stay for a night?” _

_ I recorded a message back. _

_ “I would love to visit your hometown. Or rather home village should I say? I don’t mind that, Jamie. Especially, when I think of all the things you’d promised to do to me.” _

_ I joked but in fact, I felt the butterflies in my stomach. Though I knew it must mean something more than we both anticipated at the beginning I was nearing that point. The point that I was ready to be in love with him. The point when my heart longed for him so much it hurt. The point where I thought I must already love him. _

_ And when the last day opened its door my phone buzzed with a text that was trying to find its way to John Grey but ended in my jeans back pocket. _

_ “Sorry, man, no pub this weekend. My girlfriend comes back from Boston and we have plans at home.” _

_ My fingers typed back. _

_ “I hope my boyfriend has good plans for me.” _

_ The stupidest smile appeared on my face and I spent an additional five minutes at the airport security control because certain James Fraser called me his girlfriend and I knew he’d be the end of me. _

“You should have seen the face of that officer, Jamie. He thought I was mad.” I whispered smiling. “But that’s the most unusual way I’ve become a girlfriend so far.”

I remembered arriving home in Scotland waiting for him to meet me there.

_ Something was rising in my chest when I saw him through the window walking up the front porch. God, I longed for him. I could almost cry with the want to be held by those hands again, to feel his body move against mine. But mostly I just wanted him near. To simply exist together in one space, to see his face when he wakes up and to listen to his untuned humming in the morning to the radio. To be with him. My breath hitched when the doorbell rang. Suddenly the blush crept in all the way on my neck to my cheeks. When my hands unlocked the door and Jamie entered our eyes settled on each other my heart pounded in my chest so hard I thought it’ll break free.  _

_ We haven’t seen each other for a week but it felt like years passed by and I couldn’t live without him any longer. _

_ Jamie moved first, making two solid steps towards me before I myself wrapped my arms around him letting my head rest against his chest. _

_ “A Leannan” He whispered softly pressing a kiss at my brow. _

_ "I missed you” I confessed quietly, Jamie’s jacket muffling my voice. _

_ “So did I” He smiled when his thumb raised my chin and our lips collided. _

  
  


I remembered when finally we went to see that Marvel movie but in fact, I had seen only the first twenty-five minutes of it. The rest will be forever be imprinted as a memory of Jamie’s hands roaming over my body and the fact that I could never tell this story to my children.

I remembered watching Jamie fixing my bathroom sink, cursing in Gaelic every now and then. It stirred something sweet and undeniable inside me and I walked over to him pressing at least a hundred kisses to his bare back.

I remembered a time when Jamie waited for me to finish my shift at the hospital and on our way out the new  _ (and very nosy nurse) _ said with mischief in her eyes that we would have ** _ “verra bonnie bairns”. _ ** It made the tips of Jamie’s ears become red and causing me to cough forcefully.

I remembered when it was time to finally come to Broch Mordha.

_ “Jamie, I know you cannot pick me up, I’ll take a train, it’s fine,” I started scrolling through the timetable of trains on the Edinburgh-Inverness route. _

_ “Let Ian bring ye from the station at least, I’ll ask him,” Jamie wouldn’t drop the topic of my safety. _

_ I smiled chewing on my lip. _

_ “I appreciate it, but it’s not necessary. I don’t want to be a bother. You know that I can fend for myself”. _

_ Jamie snorted but the words came out serious. _

_ “I ken that very well, Sassenach. Yer a fierce one. But I wouldna wish for ye even to try to do that. So just agree. Aye?” _

_ “Aye,” I mimicked him but had to admit my life now was under a guard. In every sense. _

I talked a lot to him until I lulled myself to sleep in that chair.

* * *

When Jamie woke his head was spinning and he had to blink several times for his vision to adjust to the darkness of the room. He felt as though his head was splitting in two. Then that nagging pain was running down his neck all the way to his shoulder.

He could feel a familiar warmth. Claire’s hand remained curled over his. She was a fragile figure covered in shadows, crouched on that hospital chair, her head dropped down her chest. The image of her, tired, asleep and so delicate made him want to cradle her and keep her safe inside himself, with his soul being her comfort. The words echoed in his fevered memory and crawled into his heart. Taken away from his dream that was put there by Claire’s voice before.

** _“Tha gaol agam ort”_ **

Claire stirred and then rose in a swift motion woken up by Jamie’s voice.

“What did you say?” 

She blinked still being half drowsy.

“I said I love ye”


	7. Mince pies & baubles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holidays are around the corner. Jamie and Claire become domesticated babies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who keeps following this story! For all your lovely comments and messages in DM. <3
> 
> I've had so much fun writing this chapter. Xmas music was on as early as November started and inspiration hit me to write a wee bit of festivity. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> P.S. Of course for full experience turn on your Christmas playlist or just listen to Michael Buble album ;)

_ December _

I used to think that I have grown out of loving Christmas time. In fact, I turned Scrooge-like and annoyed everyone around me with remarks about how this time has turned into something cynical, commercial, plastic. It wasn’t about love or family or Christianity anymore. Damn me, my Catholicism would be as fake as the myriad of Christmas advertisements. But this year something has changed. Or rather someone has changed it. 

The snowflakes were dancing around the narrow streets of Edinburgh draping the roofs in white fluffy blankets. The naked trees outlining the alleys and parks and the dull grey sky were a reminder of the seasons changing. The chill in the air made people wrap their scarfs around their necks while their coats kept them toasty warm. Rosy-cheeked and smiling, the young, old and the smallest ones were peering into the shiny, glittery shop windows. My feet froze in front of one featuring a festive woodland scene. I noticed my own reflection in the shiny glass, seeing a smile touch my lips as I gazed upon the scene. The eyes of Beauchamp who was happy. I really was. Dizzyingly, drunkenly, unbelievably happy.

The whole month has passed since that horrifying evening that made me think of the possibility of losing Jamie. 

The whole month of visits to Broch Mordha, of Jenny teaching me to cook  _ (and failing)  _ of Brian showing me different surroundings and telling me fascinating stories of the family Fraser  _ (or clan as he called it). _

Of me laughing until I would cry at the jokes Jamie’s godfather Murtagh made.

Of getting drunk and singing on the streets with Jamie and his childhood friends Angus and Rupert.

Of that sweet, touching feeling that made me so sentimental when Jenny and Ian’s children would call me Auntie Claire.

Of Geillis and me spending quiet cosy evenings together in my kitchen with a bottle of red.

Of Jamie and me trying to find a secure corner in Lallybroch to make love without being interrupted by his family.

Of us making plans for the summer and where we might spend our first vacation together.  _ (me suggesting Rome, Jamie saying Amsterdam would be more interesting) _

Of arguing over that for the first time and then having makeup sex that made the hairs on my skin rise and hide my eyes away from the neighbours the next day.

Of catching a cold and then giving it to one another, spending two days at home, snuggled up on the couch in the company of disgusting snotty tissues.

Of twenty-three mornings, days and nights of Jamie making me coffee, greeting the sunrise together and making love in the darkness of the night.

Of five hundred hours saying I love you.

* * * 

“Claire? What takes ye so long? I’ll freeze all my manly bits down here waiting for ye.” Jamie’s voice sounded muffled, mixed up with the noise of the traffic outside. “Ye ken, ye could put on a Tesco bag as a dress and yer still be the most bonnie and sexy lass I’d ever seen.”

Snorting  _ (not ladylike at all and reminding Adso to be a good boy), _ I put on the only pair of heels I’d own  _ (sleek and shiny, black stiletto) _ finally making it outdoors.

December 20th was the day Geillis threw a Christmas party each year. Though this time I’d much prefer to stay at home with Jamie trying to recreate his mom’s Gingerbread cookies recipe. But, I could not say no to my best friend.

Jumping into the car I cursed feeling all the sharp embroidery of the dress I’d bought  _ (a black bodycon, fully covered in beads, ending just slightly above my knees) _ dig into my skin.

“Jesus H.Roosevelt Christ!” I hissed as my hand immediately reached for the button of the heating control. “Of course you’d freeze everything in here, you bloody Scot.”

Expecting Jamie’s usual reaction - rolling his eyes, saying something in Gaelic I did not understand _ (on purpose) _ , and then laughing at me, I turned my head.

“What?”

His mouth was slightly agape as his eyes travelled from my feet up to my body. Lingering for a second on my hips, he licked his lips. By the time his gaze reached my face, his eyes darkened becoming a stormy blue.

“What?” I repeated, shifting on the leather seat. 

_ “Fuck, _ ” All of a sudden he sounded exactly the same when he whispered my name with last thrusts inside me. “Yer the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen, Sassenach.”

My heart started beating out of control. The way he looked at me - I already was seeing the stars without even being touched.

_ “Fuck?”  _ My brow quirked in a question as I leaned to him, taking a fistful of his white collar. “Are you suggesting something, my lad?”

He swallowed. Not able to resist I dragged my tongue over his Adam’s apple. His skin tasted bitter  _ (the cologne he’d used) _ and a bit stinging  _ (the remnants of the stubble) _ .

“I’ll have ye until ye forget yer own name,” Jamie’s finger drew intricate patterns up my leg, sliding over the black material of stockings. 

My breath hitched as his hand slipped under the hem of my dress.

I bit my lower lip thinking Geillis would kill me if we were late. And surely my redheaded friend will make all kinds of inappropriate guesses as to why we did not arrive not on time.

Jamie removed his hand just as if he read my mind.

“Though there are at least a million and one things I would love to do to ye right now,” he brought his hands back to the steering wheel. “I canna wait another hour for ye to dress. And ye’d definitely need to change afterwards.”

Jamie gave me the most awful wink that made me laugh out loud.

“I’ll hold you to a million and one things, James Fraser.”

As the evening progressed, we drank  _ (wine and whisky, clearly a regret in the morning) _ , Jamie devoured at least a dozen of canapes complaining that there’s no real food _ (and Geillis assuming with a smirk that “Claire, do ye no feed yer Highlander?”) _ . We danced.  My cheek resting just above his heart, arms wrapped around his neck, Jamie’s hands on the small of my back.

I ached. I felt hot and needy. More and more with each hour of Jamie’s innocent  _ (not at all) _ words and texts  _ (though we barely left each other) _ of what he was going to do to me once we are home. 

An accidental  _ (not) _ brush on Jamie’s leg with the tip of my shoe under the table.

A squeeze of his hand on my hip as we danced.

A chaste kiss in the company of Geillis watching us and the one that took my breath away when no one paid attention.

On our way back the car windows steamed up with alcoholic breath or perhaps it was from the mist of desire floating between us.

When my aching feet crossed the threshold, kicking off the shoes, Jamie’s hand closed the door pressing me against it. The skin on my face was hot, flushed. But Jamie's fingertips ran over my heated body leaving a pleasantly cool trail over my cheek and neck.

I was nothing but my body. The dim hall light blurred into one endless mirage. He was kissing me then. The tip of my nose. With a quite mumble _ “cute one”. _

His lips hot with desire blazed a path of sweet kisses. My eyelids. Cheeks. Lips.

When my dress fluttered down my body to the floor with a soft rustling Jamie led me to the bedroom.

Our lovemaking was the bridge to one another that we had built and rebuilt every time our bodies joined. In the aftermath, we laid in the darkness of the room with the only sound of Adso’s purring interrupting the pleasant stillness.

Limbs still entwined, Jamie drew me even closer seeking to imprint our union forever into the skin. I curled up around him, my lips pressed to a soft curl on his neck.

Through the soothing warmth of sleep, I thought I heard Jamie mumble something about buying a Christmas tree and going to Broch Mordha.

_ For where all love is, the speaking is unnecessary. It is all. It is undying. And it is enough. _

_ * * * _

Mornings in winter were very dark and cold. But at the same time cozy and serene, despite the cold that drew a frozen lace upon my cheeks each time I ran down to my car in a hurry to warm it up. Nights last much longer bringing that peacefulness with them. It was my favourite time. I could curl up covered by a heavy duvet, wrapped up in Jamie’s embrace, listening to his heartbeat. The darkness of winter mornings was a chance for my lips to find that hollow space on Jamie’s neck in the dark, where he was tender and delicate. I would press a kiss there, his skin smelling musky with his own perfume and the memory of our lovemaking. 

Later, when the sun warmed up the room, my legs felt like Jello from morning sex and I dissolved limp and slick as I lay on top of Jamie. Despite my amorous morning activities, my mind was still partly sleepy. Jamie, on the other hand, was out of bed in seconds, urging me to hurry up. In the end, it wasn’t a dream about buying a tree. Jamie had the whole plan set up and I obediently followed him. Though I wasn’t sure why I’d need a Christmas tree when we were going to celebrate in Broch Mordha with his family.

Morning began with having fresh croissants in the bakery with herbal tea and polishing off with mulled wine from the market stall  _ (Jamie saying it’s not a crime at this time of the year after my remark that we look like chronical alcoholics sipping Gluhwein in the middle of the day _ ).

Jamie stoically handled my nagging about the pine needles that’ll be all over my beige carpet, Adso’s misbehaving and surely kicking the tree down, and how awful we are chopping down the real one.

He rolled his eyes only several times as I kept choosing one tree over another. We’d spent about three hours at the tree farm, becoming cold to the point I couldn’t feel my toes anymore. We struggled for thirty minutes to load the green beauty to Jamie’s car and laughed so hard, the passerby surely thought us mental.

I had spilled the hot cocoa all over my jacket and dropped mushy marshmallows to the car seat. Jamie hoovered the insides of his car for another hour trying to get rid of the pine needles and the mess I’ve created. He cursed in Gaelic every other second as he tried to fit the tree through the doorway. All of this adventure was so far away from the perfect but it felt so real,  _ so ours, and so magical _ .

“I love you.” I whispered into his lips, being held up high in Jamie’s arms. I retrieved a box of vintage tree ornaments and lights from the highest shelf in my flat knowing that they would be just perfect on  _ our _ tree.

When the pink and fluffy skies turned into the dark-blue, Jamie and I sat on the floor amongst packets of tinsel, tangled lights, and shiny baubles.

My life never resembled anything close to what one would see on a TV commercial. It had been some time since I truly felt happy at Christmas, now I felt as though that feeling of peak and joy come back.

As the second mug of tea was drunk, I sat with my back pressed to Jamie’s chest, his knees as two guards around my hips. The Spotify Christmas playlist and the warmth of Jamie next to me made me feel half sleepy as I lazily dug through the decorations.

“Where did ye get all of those?” He pointed to the box of baubles.

My fingers that fought stubborn mess of tangled lights, froze.

“It’s from my childhood.” My voice sounded distant. “I know it’s a pile of old crap, but I could never throw it away.”

Jamie’s lips softly touched the back of my neck.

“Tis no crap, Sassenach. Tis yer memories. And ye should always keep em here.” His hand came around my chest and laid over my frantically beating heart.

Suddenly my mind conjured up the picture that was still so vivid. It is 1991 and our Christmas tree is ridiculous. At least that’s what four years old me thinks and I don’t forget to inform my dad of my thoughts. My father stands on the ladder that dangerously wobbles as he tries to secure a star on top of the tree. There is Miracle on 34th street rolling on TV and my mum plugs in the Christmas lights. I happily squeal and grin at the sight of it. My parents kiss and I say it’s gross but just then dad chases me over the room to give me sloppy kisses on my cheeks. I explode with giggles and ask for the hundredth time when Santa is going to come. We eat the best roast dinner and watch Home Alone, the three of us curled up on the couch. I’m beyond thrilled I’m allowed to stay up late but fall asleep right after the movie finishes. In the morning I am a proud owner of a doll in a blue dress that Santa had brought me. 

And now I realize that Christmas tree from distant 1991 was just the perfect one. As perfect as the one I was looking at now, with Jamie’s arms wrapped around my waist. 

It was tall, brushing the ceiling, filled with all the ornaments I own, bathed in tinsels and ceramic snowflakes. 

“Shall we?” Jamie kissed the tip of my ear and plugged the lights in.

The tree shone and my heart together with it.

“It’s beautiful.” 

“Well, now I have to move my things in here.” Jamie spun me in his arms humming to Buble’s version “It’s beginning to look like Christmas”

My brows furrowed as I escaped his embrace to steal a piece of mince pie we’d bought two days earlier.  _ (Jamie with an almost childlike squeal plodded down the aisle of Christmas stuff in Waitrose, saying we must get these). _

“Why so?” I pinched his jaw with my forefinger and thumb.

“For one,” Jamie raised a finger to tap down my nose, followed by a slightest of lips brush. “I’m terribly worried for the health of yer wee cheetie. Those awful candles ye buy and burn, Sassenach.  _ A Dhia _ , the poor cat will suffocate.”

I snorted.

“Nonsense. You love it.” 

A high-pitched squealing left my throat as I tried to escape Jamie’s hand that made an attempt to smack my arse. Adso that has been observing his parents from a nest made out of a duvet on the couch sniffed, yawned and walked away, showing with all his being how ridiculous we are.  _ ( And yes, Jamie declared that now he’s the full-time dad to my cat taking into account the amount of time he spends at my flat) _ .

“And second of all,” my boyfriend with a grace better than Adso’s reached me in two steps. “We have bought a Christmas tree together. That’s a commitment. A serious one.”

Failing in my attempt to hide behind the aforementioned tree I let Jamie take me by the wrist, drawing me into his arms. He let his hands scatter down my sides, stopped for a second to knead my hips, finally squeezing my bottom with the most mischievous look I’ve ever seen him make.

“God, yer arse.” 

“A commitment?” I licked my lips feeling my heart beating frantically. “What you have in mind, Mr Fraser?”

Jamie started to sway us in a slow rocking dance motion, turning off the main light with his left hand. The room sank into a cosy glow of Christmas lights that flickered on the baubles and tinsel. The candles that lived on my coffee table  _ (now Christmas edition - Spiced Gingerbread and Twisted Peppermint) _ gave a touch of a _ true home _ , drawing the shadowy patters on the wall. As the voice of Buble sang _ “I’ll be home for Christmas, you can plan on me…” _

Jamie leaned forward to kiss me with a whisper.

“I think we should move in together, Claire.”

  
  



	8. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie and Claire settle in at their new home. Adso is being naughty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand, I'm back! I know it's been bloody ages since the last update but I needed a break. I also had been busy with other ficlets so OIWAE was put on pause. But the story is back and I do hope you like this instalment. I really, really like this chapter. 
> 
> I am absolutely horrible at answering the comments (which I'll fix, promise) but I do see each one of them! I LOVE reading what your thoughts are, whether you liked some moment or a particular turn of phrase, I appreciate it all. No matter if it's one word, emoji, or a big analysing comment. Thank you lovies for staying here with me. <3
> 
> Anne, you know it all💜 I could not have done it without you. 
> 
> P.S. I also post on Tumblr, just a wee reminder :)  
https://maviemesregles.tumblr.com/
> 
> X

_ Blood pounded in Claire’s ears muffling the music and the howling wind outside. Jamie’s face blurred as the tears gathered at the brink of her lower lashes. She inhaled deeply, blinking furiously to get rid of the swell of moisture in her eyes. Closing them Claire could feel Jamie moving towards her, gently touching her arm, voice concerned. _

_ “Claire, was it too early? Did I-” _

_ He could not finish his sentence because she dissolved into ugly crying. Clinging to him, gasping for air and in general being an awful mess. _

_ “Shh, mo graidh. Shh. Tis alright.” His hands wrapped around Claire in a familiar way, thumb circling the tender skin at her nape softly. _

_ “I.. I’m going to ruin your shirt.” Sniffing, voice muffled by his aforementioned shirt Claire leaned back to look at the mess she created. Her running nose and damp cheeks imprinted a mascara-black wet blot on green fabric. She could hear Jamie chuckle as he picked her up and sat down with Claire curled on his lap. _

_ “I dinna care one bit about the shirt, lass.” Lips gently pressed a kiss to her forehead. Claire sighed though still gasping for air. The comfort of Jamie’s warmth made her body become limp. _

_ “I’m not crying because I am sad,” Claire whispered, hand cupping the back of his head. “I... I’m crying because I’m happy, Jamie. Happy to live with you.” _

_ Dropping a kiss on the bridge of her nose, he smiled. _

_ “Aye. Me too, my Sassenach.” _

_ * * * _

It was the beginning of what seemed like an endless hunt for what would become a perfect flat for us. We spent about three weeks chasing an ideal place, checked at least ten flats scattered all over Edinburgh but none of them was quite what we were looking for _ (not far away from my work; with a park nearby to allow Jamie to go on his morning jogs. And it needed to have a large living room and be pet-friendly.) _

Jamie _ (bare-chested, skin still flushed from the shower) _was performing his magic by preparing the scrambled eggs I loved so much while I sat on the windowsill, feet in fuzzy socks propped up the wall. As I scrolled through rental ads on Jamie’s iPad I felt the pressure of upcoming headache from all this searching. And suddenly, there it was. The place that we were looking for.

A stone-built ground floor house had a spacious kitchen and a huge living room adorned with an old fireplace. The ceilings were so high I thought there is no end to them._ “Canna wait to hear yer voice inside these walls” _ Jamie smirked at me as we followed behind the agent chirping away about how great this flat is. _ “Whatever do you mean?” _ I quirked my brow at him. He leaned closer, whispering into my ear, his warm breath tickling the little hairs on my nape. _ “Weel, those sounds ye make when I-” _ Giggling, my elbow pressed into his ribs, stopping him before any dangerous and inappropriate _ (for the agent) _ revelations could occur.

Grand windows allowed the sun to slip into every little corner of the flat and made it breathe with light. There were two bedrooms with hardboard wooden floors and a small study fully equipped with bookshelves. French doors in the kitchen opened to a garden with a southern exposure was the last deciding straw for me. It had everything we needed. Adso would be welcome to live here, it was a fifteen minute drive from my work and there was a park just across the street. Although it was rather pricey, Jamie ignored my hissing remark _ “Almost four grand quid? Fucking insane,” _ and said that we should sign the rental agreement. I kissed him senseless allowing the feeling that this is _ us _ now, our own place fill me up.

The rental price had changed our plans a little bit. Forcing us to spend a couple of days moving small furniture and other possessions Jamie and I owned to our new accommodation by ourselves. At the end of it all, sweaty and tired, we sat on the boxes in the empty living room, watching the snowfall outside the huge windows.

“Are ye happy, Sassenach?” Jamie gently pulled me by the wrist to his side. My hands cradled his face as I stood up and found myself a prisoner between his thighs. 

“Of course I am, James Fraser,” thumb caressing the apple of his cheeks I glanced around. “Only I have no idea how we are going to organize this mess.” It feels like between the two of us there are millions of boxes and bags, packages. I’ve brought the plants I owned _ (the only three I managed not to kill) _, a box full of uncle’s Lamb belongings, an enormous contemporary art painting Geillis got me for my 30th birthday two years ago. Adso had his belongings too, a scratching post, litter tray and his own little blanket. Adso himself was being babysat by Geillis while I and Jamie tried to sort out our moving. Jamie was currently sitting on a stash of my medical books destined for the study.

“We’ll manage,_ a nighean _” His hands patted my hips, bringing me closer. Planting a soft kiss on the washed fabric over my sternum, Jamie looked up. “We canna do more than our best.”

My stomach had the quite opposite opinion of _ doing our best _ and rumbled loudly. 

“God, I’m starving” yawning I reached for the cellphone.

Later, full and warm with chicken ramen, curry with prawns and wok-fried greens we had just enough strength in us to unpack most of the carton boxes that said _ “Kitchen”. _In that hour and a half, we managed to laugh, listen to Jamie’s Dire Straits playlist on his phone and argue over ridiculous things. Putting away a bitty family of my mugs and cups Jamie dropped my favourite mug Frank bought me a very long time ago and I never could get rid of it. It was massive and bright yellow, with Friends on it. It was my all-time binge-love TV show. It shattered in yellow pieces atop the counter and floor. I didn't mean to snap. But we both were bone-weary from a long day of moving back and forth, of a week packing before, exhausted from all the searching catching up with us. Suddenly I felt my chin quiver at the sight of my beloved, now broken mug. 

“I’m sorry, Sassenach.” Jamie bit his lip, trying to reach me with his hand over the island counter but I shrugged away. 

_ “Why are you so bloody clumsy, _” I mumbled, kneeling to pick up broken ceramic bits. Jamie rubbed his face, clearly wanting to say something, but instead he bent to help. 

Annoyed just by him breathing next to me at that moment I dropped collected pieces straight into the bin. When he tried to sweep the floor from the dusty mug remains I snapped.

“Oh, please, just move away, or you’re going to break something else.”

I regretted the words right after I’ve said them but blood was already pounding in my ears and there was no way back.

“I said I’m sorry,” Jamie muttered, looking visibly irritated himself now. “It’s just a mug, I’ll buy ye a new one.”

The tension crackled with its force.

_ “I don’t want another bloody mug! _” I barked at him trying to busy myself opening a new box. “Frank gave it to me. It was my favourite one.”

Time seemed to stop for a second as Jamie slowly licked his lips looking me straight in the eyes.

_ “Frank?” _

Unable to hold his gaze anymore I turned my back to him staring out of the window.

“Don’t you start playing a jealous boyfriend on me,” I grunted, telling myself to calm down. _ You know he doesn’t mean it bad. _

He grumbled and I could hear him retreating to the living room.

_ “Why are ye bitching about it, Claire?” _ He hissed and I thought I could feel his words crawl inside me like a poisonous snake.

_ “What?” _ I followed him to the room _ (aka the mess) _ full of boxes. 

_ “Nothing.” _

“Repeat what you just said,” I demanded.

He didn’t. Instead, we spent the next hour in different rooms unpacking. Or pretending to. I wasn't able to do a proper job and stopped on one box. As the sweat cooled off on my skin and the urge to cry faded away I plodded down the hallway towards the bathroom. Passing the living room I caught a glimpse of Jamie placing my candles _ (that he hated) _ on top of the fireplace. The sight gave my heart a painful _ (and guilty) _ squeeze. Deciding that taking a shower, putting fresh PJs on and making us both a nice cup of tea would make both of us feel better

I turned on the hot water. It was blissful and caused me to go limp. Engrossed as I was I did not hear Jamie come in. Shedding his clothes wordlessly, he stepped into the shower behind me. Cupping one breast, he dropped a kiss on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry I snapped, Claire. And I’m sorry for ye wee mug.” 

Turning to face him, I nodded and kissed his jaw softly.

“I _ am _ sorry, Jamie. I was _ unreasonable _ and acted like a jerk.”

Our earlier argument was mended when his lips sealed on my neck, leaving me breathless. Moments later I cried out as I sagged against the tiled wall, him still inside me.

We slept on a makeshift bed that Jamie constructed from his mattress and two blankets just right in front of the fireplace. We laid, limbs entwined, among the boxes and bags, hands lazily tracing hills and valleys of each other bodies. “I love you,” I whispered before my mind drifted away into the realm of Morpheus.

* * *

Weeks later our flat finally started looking like somebody really lives here. With all our mismatched furniture, collection of books _(mine mainly botany and poems, and Jamie’s classics and fantasy), _with a horrid motorbike engine of Jamie’s _(the one he used to drive in his uni days)_. No matter how much I asked him to throw that away he squealed like a girl protecting her virtue, not letting me come near that metal monstrosity. We agreed to put it away in the second bedroom which initially became a storage room. 

One evening as I rocked my hips atop of him Jamie smirked that we marked each room in this flat. “_ Aye _ , we did” I said mimicking him as I yanked my scrub top off over my head. Jamie made my body go limp against the shower tiles; he drew mewling sounds out of me on the kitchen table; my moans bounced off those high ceilings in the living room; his laboured breathing filled our bedroom and crawled up the walls. I gasped at the feeling of him in the storage room when Jamie announced his evident desire for a quickie; and he groaned _ “Oh, Claire _” following his meandering Gaelic cursing as his hands tangled in my curls while I kneeled down unzipping his jeans.

Every time I showed up at work Geillis would never forget to ask me with a wink _ “So, my darling, how’s yer wee ginger? Loves ye well? I TOLD YE. Yer fucking glowing like a candle, Claire.” _

Living with Jamie was a whole new experience. Now I had the luxury to wake up to his sleepy face and mussed curls every day. He would make the most miserable facial expression as I switch on the table lamp, grunting and burying himself under the layers of blanket. James Fraser was definitely not a morning person. _ “Five in the morning is torture, _ ” he mumbled sleepily as I pressed a goodbye kiss to his forehead. _ “Normal people sleep at this time, ye ken. Go, save yer humans, Sassenach.” _ Squeezing my hand he turned to snooze immediately. But as soon as I got to work my phone would beep with his text message every morning _ “Have a great day, a nighean. Love ye.” _

Any other morning I had a chance to stay in bed longer he’d wake me up with his hands, his mouth and his body molding into mine much like matching puzzle piece. I could not remember life without him anymore. Without his perfect morning coffee for me; without our banter or seriousness full talks in the darkness of the night, his hands on my hip, thumb carving the shape of my pelvic bone; without lazy evenings on the couch with Netflix and takeaway, my head resting on his chest, Jamie’s hand wrapped around my waist, and Adso curled on his lap. 

Every day I had a pleasure of observing his_ fucking gorgeous post jog body_. But like any other couple, we shared our bit of things that drove us crazy. Jamie had this annoying habit to turn the TV on so loud I had to scream like a banshee from the kitchen to get his attention. He also seemed to be very dedicated at the task of leaving the puddle of water on the bathroom floor after showering. I would not even want to mention his morning cologne spraying session that left a suffocating smell in the hallway. But, I myself was far from perfect. I had to endure him rolling his eyes at me and making disgusted faces as he plucked my hair out from the shower drain. Also, Jamie was patient with me and my attempts to cook and never protested eating ordered food. He would often volunteer for the task seeing me struggle with slimy spaghetti. But all those things did not matter as each night I fell asleep saying “I love you” lulled by his steady heartbeat beneath my cheek.

It had gotten to the point where I found that I could not live without him. So when Jamie had to leave to Inverness for three days I cursed at his business the whole day. Without him, I felt like the part of me was torn away and even Adso purring by my side couldn’t remedy the feeling. That’s why now I shamelessly found my place on Jamie’s lap, sparkling rosé in my hand. Our kitchen was filled with laughter, chats and instrumental indie playing from Google Home speaker Jenny and Ian gave us as a gift. The food was rich and tasty, the wine was pleasantly chill and Jamie’s left hand on my hip_ too much to handle. _We haven’t made love for three days and I was positively flushed with desire. My skin was on fire - a mix of alcohol, laughter and Jamie.

“So, Claire, I do hope ye like yer wee rug?” Angus tried to wink at me sipping his red. I rolled my eyes and looked over my shoulder to have a look at his present again. It was a door rug in a bright green colour with a white cat on it that said: _ “Don’t forget to pet my pussy-cat” _ . He shoved it into my hands grinning. I was taken aback and did not know what to say. Meanwhile, Jamie broke into almost hysterical laughter, as I stood mouth agape. _ “Ye do have a cat, no?” _Angus snorted and I only managed to nod as he welcomed himself inside our flat. 

“Very thoughtful present,” I said, saluting my glass to Angus.

Untangling myself from Jamie’s embrace I excused myself to the bathroom. I washed my hands and caught sight of my face in the mirror. Cheeks pink coloured I splashed cold water on my face, feeling the drops run down my neck. Hair drawn back in a sweaty knot. When Jamie opens the door there is a trail of loud raucous laughter coming from the kitchen follows him.

“I’ll be right back,” I said thinking he came to get me. But the next moment the latch on the door clicked closed. His lips sought mine and he tasted of whisky leaving the burning sensation on my lips. His hands reached under my sweater, tracing the small of my back and then soft skin on my belly. 

“I love them all, but I swear if they dinna leave soon, I’m going to have to kill all our guests” Jamie breathed out heavily as my hands fumbled with his belt, tugging at the stubborn zipper of the jeans. He cursed something in Gaelic that I did not understand when my fingers found his hot flesh. 

“I might kill them myself,” I agreed, gently biting at his earlobe. My mouth fell open when Jamie snaked a hand between us, curling and tasting me with his fingers _ exactly right. _

“_ Christ, Claire _” He muttered under his breath, fingers damp from his exploration. But our moment was rudely interrupted by Murtagh unceremoniously knocking on the door. “What are ye doing there, ye wee beasties? We need more booze.” Grunting in annoyance Jamie slid his belt back in and reached to pull my rolled sweater down. Kissing him chastely, we made it out back to our guests.

Over the next several days, we both were swirled into the routine business of life seeing each other mostly in the evenings. I’ve been extra busy at work and Jamie still had to finish important tasks at the brewery. Both of us exhausted, we barely managed to order takeaway, with me falling asleep on the couch as soon as the food was finished as a new episode of Peaky Blinders played. Jamie would carry me to the bedroom. He crept in beside me covering us both with a quilt. We would touch fingertips and sleep holding each other until the sun came uninvited, crawling inside the room. There was a silent agreement between us and the sex was at bay. There was a day when Jamie’s hands glided over my hips, finger drawing patterns at the panties waistband. Sleepily, I mumbled that I’m gross and disgusting and in need of a shower and shave. The other day I managed to pull off my sexiest face and slowly pull down my knickers I turned to find Jamie had fallen asleep soundly, mouth slightly agape. Chuckling, I picked my discarded underwear and slid under the blankets next to his starfish sprawled body.

Standing in the locker room at the hospital I’ve snapped a photo of myself. I turned myself provocatively displaying my ass to look as if I spent days in the gym _ (I did not of course) _ but nonetheless Jamie seemed more than fascinated by this body part of mine. Sending him the picture with capslock text “TONIGHT FRASER” I retreated back to work. All morning and lunch I spent thinking of the upcoming evening. Geillis took me out of my thoughts by grabbing my hand in the hallway.

“Claire, are ye alright?” Her eyes examined my face worriedly. “Ye look as pale as the wall behind ye.” I shook my head, reassuring her it’s nothing but a bit of nausea.

“I’m fine, Geil.” Running a palm over my clammy forehead I felt the imminent need to vomit. “It’s probably that sushi I had for lunch with Joe. I told him it did not look good.”

Giving me judgmental-mother look and shaking her head Geillis still made me sit down and close my eyes. 

“Ye work too much, lass. Jamie needs to take ye on a holiday.”

The perspective of vacation sounded like an unreachable luxury at the moment but under Geillis’s superior look I agreed to go home earlier tonight. It started to rain hard outside when I crossed the threshold, dropping the bags of groceries down. Deciding that I might as well cook today instead of having takeaway again I strolled down the kitchen feeling slightly wamble and dizzy. After taking Pepto-Bismol and hoping it’ll help calm down my disgruntled stomach I opened a can of cat food, summoning Adso. But my cat was nowhere in sight. I’ve checked every nook and little corner, under the bed and couch. In the storage room as last time Jamie closed the cat in there by accident. My furry baby seemed to have vanished into thin air and I felt an oncoming wave of worry mixed with nausea. The open window in our bedroom hit me with a realisation. Eyes swelling with tears I dialled Jamie.

“Christ, Sassenach, I must have forgotten to close the damn window and the cheetie ran away.”

He promised to find him. I spent the evening googling stories of cats running away and cried some more thinking of my poor Adso alone in the cold rain, scared and hungry. I was sure I would not see my cat again. It was around midnight when the front door opened, Jamie’s footfalls startling me from my broken sleep on the couch. I rubbed my puffy eyelids as Jamie stepped inside the room. 

His clothes were soaking wet, face painted with tiredness. But the smile on his lips was an encouraging sign. Unfolding his jacket Jamie stroked Adso’s grey ear who was nestled against his chest. 

“Jamie! Oh, I can’t believe you did it.” I jumped up, taking Adso into my arms. He was wet and dirty, paws leaving marks on my skin. “Where did you find him?” 

Taking off the jacket, Jamie leaned down to receive my kiss on his cheek.

"Here, you must be freezing cold." I reached for the bottle of whisky, pouring him a glass. When he gulped it down and his cheeks turn into baby-pink he told me.

“Ye’d never believe it. I spent hours just driving over the neighbourhood, mistaken at least three cats for him, but he was nowhere. And then I had an idea, it was crazy but possible.” Jamie ran his hands through his damp curls. “I drove to yer old place. And there he was, sitting in front of the door of yer old flat.”

“Oh, my poor baby,” Cradling Adso I reached for the towel I had just in case Jamie managed to bring him home. “Why did you run away, you silly?” 

“I’m sorry, Claire. 'Twas my fault, I left the window open.” Jamie patted my thigh gently, looking guilty. 

Lening in to kiss him, I traced his cheekbones with my fingers. 

“You found him, Jamie. It’s all fine.”

* * *

Jamie woke to the sudden absence of Claire in the bed, her side of the blanket looking like a messy ball at the end of the bed. He could hear the water running in the bathroom. Glancing at the clock that showed three in the morning Jamie called out her name. When no response followed, he swung his legs down the bed, worry caused a cold feeling in his stomach as he walked to the bathroom.

“Sassenach, are ye al-” The words stuck in his throat seeing her small figure, curled on the floor next to the toilet. “Christ, Claire, what happened?” He kneeled down, cradling her head into his lap. His heart was pounding away in his ribcage, fear filling every fiber of his being. She looked pale as a paper sheet, sweaty curls stuck to her skin. Shaking her head weakly, she mumbled as quiet as he ever heard her “I’m okay.” But she was decidedly not okay. Her eyes closed then. Jamie picked her up, rushing to the car outside and mentally thanking all existing Gods that the hospital was just fifteen minutes away. Jamie was there in precisely seven minutes.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. Once upon a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get your tissues, everyone...

_ Claire's face was pale and her forehead clammy. Despite her telling Jamie that she was "totally fine," did nothing to reassure him. He dismissed her weak attempts to convince him that she was okay and carried her through A&E doors. Before he could ask for help, Joe Abernathy appeared in front of him like some sort of a wizard from Harry Potter. _

_ “James?” Joe queried while scanning Claire’s limp figure in his arms, he pointed towards the stretcher. “Put her down there. What happened?” _

_ Carefully lowering her down, Jamie felt he was finally able to breathe for the first since he found Claire crouched on the floor in their bathroom. _

_ “I found her, pale as a sheet of white paper, laying on the bathroom floor.” Nervously Jamie ran his hand through his hair. _

_ “Alright, don’t worry,” Joe patted Jamie on the shoulder, “It doesn’t look like an emergency since our Lady Jane can swear and protest.” _

_ And that was true. Claire who was now pushed on the stretcher down the hall cursed, demanded them to let her go all while threatening to vomit if they continue bouncing her. _

_ Doctor Abernathy turned to Jamie examining his face. The thin line of sweat glistened on his forehead as he nervously kept fidgeting his hands. _

_ “Right, my lad. You need to calm down,” Joe waved his hand, summoning a young nurse that observed the scene earlier. “Katy, please, bring this gentleman to my office.” _

_ Joe smirked at Jamie, lowering his voice. “There’s a bit of whisky in the first drawer. Please, help yourself. And don’t worry, I’m going to check on Claire and not let her out of my sight.” _

_ * * * _

I exhaled happily feeling the steady surface of the bed under me, instead of moving nightmare called a stretcher. The escalating desire to vomit had passed and now only slight nausea kept lingering in the pit of my stomach. The door opened and blonde nurse I’ve never seen before casually strolled to my bed, her trainers shuffled over the linoleum.

“How are you feeling, Dr. Beauchamp?” Flora as her name badge said, smiled at me, wrapping a blood pressure cuff around my arm.

“Like I was run over by a bloody train” I grunted, closing my eyes. It felt as if ages passed before she finally scribbled down my blood pressure along with pulse and respiratory rate.

When Joe stepped in I was a prisoner to the IV fluids and the blasted pole, it was hanging on. He got the same answer that I had given the nurse before. “It’s that sushi, Joe. And you know what? It’s entirely your fault. I should have chosen something else for lunch.”

“Is there any chance you might be pregnant, Claire?” Joe looked at me tentatively. I almost choked on the glass of water. For whatever reason, I felt a deep flush creep up my neck, all the way to my cheeks.

“I...No,” Shaking my head, I put the glass aside. “No, it’s not possible.” 

Joe raised his eyebrows, clearly showing that I didn’t sound convincing enough. 

“I can’t be pregnant. I’m on the pill.” 

It was one evening a few months ago when on the way home I made a stop at the pharmacy. I found Jamie in the bathroom, loading the washing machine. He asked_ “What’s this?”_ when I casually placed a pink pillbox on the shelf. Jamie never pressured me with anything. And that time as he brushed his lips over my temple he said I did not need to take them. I shushed him, catching his lower lip between mine and confessed that **_I_** wanted this. I wanted **_him_**.

“Well, we’ll make the test anyway, just to make sure. Pills do fail sometimes” Joe squeezed my hand gently.

* * *

_ The cold, sickening feeling crawled up from my stomach and took residency in my throat. I could not breathe, feeling the tears snake down my cheeks. _

_ "Repeat what you just said,” I whispered as Frank turned around, hands bracing the windowsill. I _ _ could see the muscles under his shirt tighten and his hands curled into fists. _

_ “I said, how can we ever be a proper family if my wife cannot give me a child?” _

_ My heart hammered in my chest, replacing a painful lump with awakening anger. _

_ “Are you saying it is all my fault? How can you be so sure it’s not you, Frank?” _

“Sassenach?” Jamie’s hand rested on my knee startling me out of vague memory. “Are ye alright?”

I nodded, staring at a piece of paper with the HCG test in my hands. 

“Weel, will ye tell me, Claire?” Jamie turned right, parking the car on the side of the road. He turned to me, those blue eyes staring deep into my soul. My palms were damp as I reached for his hand. My heart was beating frantically in my ribcage, I only managed to open and close my mouth, with no sound coming out. _ I was shaking. _

“Claire, fer God’s sake, please tell me.” He leaned closer, the early morning sun dyeing his hair in rich amber. “Ye scared the hell out of me tonight. What is it? Are ye sick?”

_ “I’m pregnant.” _

The universe had stopped then. Everything suspended around us and the only thing I could hear is my heart thumping in my chest. I wasn’t sure if my vision blurred or Jamie was_ really _ crying until he pressed me closer, my body melting into his. I could feel his wet cheek under my lips and I realised I was crying too. I kissed his face until his ragged breathing stopped and he took me by the shoulders, looking at me as if I wasn’t real. I did not see him cry before. He hadn’t said a word and fear started creeping up, crawling into the tiniest, fragile corners of my being. 

“Jamie,” my whisper raspy “_ Are you happy? _” He leaned down then, to lay his head on my perfectly flat stomach. 

_ “I never thought I could be happier. But you’ve just made me so, Sassenach.” _

I thought I had forgotten how to breathe, my mind swimming in a cocktail of emotions. 

“I’m going to be a _ Da _.” He smiled, thumb smoothing the rumpled jumper fabric at my belly.

He asked me if** _ I_ ** was happy. I said I’ve never been ** _ this_ ** happy.

_ I was pregnant. _ Days later when my mind learned to live with the thought that there was a part of Jamie inside me, a new spark of life he and I created, I started realising. _ How could I not notice it? _ During the last few weeks, I’ve been so terribly tired. I dismissed it, thinking it’s all because of the stress. Our hunting for a flat, moving, trying to settle in. Adso running away and my busyness at work. I did not pay attention when captured under Jamie’s body I mewled a sound of protest. His hand froze hovering over my breasts that became _ too sensitive. _ It’s just a precursor of my upcoming period I thought. Jamie laughed at me when curled up together on the sofa, I suddenly broke down crying after seeing a commercial on TV with little puppies in it. I never gave too much attention to dizziness that was coming back to me each morning for the last two weeks. Feeling awful nausea creeping in, I cursed at the contraceptives and bent over the white toilet surface. Telling myself I had to change them to different ones because these were definitely messing up with my hormones. So when my uterus decided to riot I was sure this pink pillbox was the reason for my late courses. _ I just could not be pregnant. _

The morning we came back from the hospital I closed myself in the bathroom, tearing off the packaging from a home pregnancy test I’ve kept just in case. _ I had to be sure. _ I cried and sat on the bathroom floor when ClearBlue stick confirmed those eight letters that formed _ Pregnant _ . When Jamie knocked softly on the door I was a hot mess. He kneeled down, reaching for my hand where a promise of a future froze between my fingers. _ “Don’t” _ I protested, as he gently kissed the back of my hand. “My hands are all in pee.” I sniffed, but he only laughed, saying he didn’t care. “Sassenach, I will change diapers for our bairn, I dinna care about yer pee.” Jamie pulled me to his chest, keeping me so impossibly close, I thought I’d drown in him. Nose buried into his woolly sweater tightening my grip on him, I whispered. “We’re going to have a baby.”

“Aye,” He nodded, brushing away a loose curl on my cheek. There was something in his eyes, the very colour of them changed, as he looked down at me. “I’ve already thought of names for the wee one.” Jamie fished his phone from the pocket, shining the screen on me. _ “Scottish baby names” _ stood there and I dissolved into uncontrollable sobbing. He laughed softly, cradling my face in his hands, thumb smoothing the tears away. I had to laugh myself when my nose conjured up a snotty bubble and I saw a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Red-faced, racoon-mascara circles under the swollen, bloodshot eyes. “Oh, Claire, ye do break my heart with loving ye” He whispered kissing my mouth.

I stood in the locker room, topless, in my scrub pants, fidgeting the strap of my bra. Turning sideways the mirror reflected my bare, still flat, seven weeks stomach. The door swung open, Geillis storming in. Smiling from ear to ear she almost knocked the breath out of me, as her arms wrapped around my neck. “Oh, how much I wished ye’d never cried because of that arsehole Frank! I told ye it’s him!” She kissed me on the cheek patting my front. “Jamie lad did not waste time. I’m so happy for ye, ghràdhach aon. For both of ye.” Then she demanded that I have to make her godmother or our friendship will be at stake. From then on Geillis decided that she was my patron and no day has passed by without her endless care for me. I was thankful but most of the times rather annoyed at her hovering as a bee over me. My friend decided it’s her duty to make sure I had enough fresh air so every coffee break we spent outside. My lunch was under her steadfast gaze. I wasn’t allowed to eat my beloved beef burgers anymore and was replaced with green smoothies. “Christ, it’s full of vitamins and such, yer burger is full of fat.” I also was relieved of coffee but kindly handed herbal teas as a replacement. 

But what Geillis didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Little did she know that at two in the morning Jamie, voice still groggy with sleep, pulls his jeans on as I wake him up. He cursed stubbing his toe in the darkness, promising to bring me a Big Mac. He laughed at me while I sniffed into my phone calling to tell him of my latest craving for a Cinnabon.

Jamie had his ways of making sure that I and "our wee bairn" stayed healthy and safe. On Sunday as I plodded down the hallway to start usual weekly tidying up, he had snatched a mop and solution for the floors from my hands. “Ye dinna ken it’s bad for ye to breath all these chemicals?” He declared, nudging me towards the couch. I said that I’m pregnant, _ not disabled _but Jamie shot me a look that I obediently laid on the couch in the company of Adso. 

One night I thought my heart would burst with tenderness for this man. Putting my book aside I turned to Jamie, elbow supporting my head. He scrolled through something on his phone, and I noticed that sexy crease between his eyebrows making my stomach turn into a warm pool. I scooted closer to him, hand running up and down his bare torso. He hummed _ “hhmmm” _as my lips planted a kiss over his ribcage. When my hand suggestively ran along the waistband of his jogging pants he did not show the usual interest. I sat up, leg-crossed in front of him, securing my curls into a top knot. 

“Is there something more fascinating than this?” I smiled cheekily at him, pulling one strap of my nightgown down the shoulder. He gave me a quick glance, eyes glued back to his iPhone. 

“Ye ken that our bairn is the size of green olive,” He brought up his hand, folding his fingers to show me. “About one inch long”.

_ “What?” _ I lifted my brow as I leaned to grab his phone. My heart was on the edge of breaking into a million pieces with love for Jamie. It was an app on his phone, with information week by week about the baby. “Where did you get it from?” My voice shook just a bit as I fiercely fought an upcoming wave of pregnancy-hormonal tears. His hand reached my stomach, he drew me closer, giving it a soft kiss. “Weel, I googled it.” I whispered that I loved him covering his body with mine.

From that point on it became a nighttime tradition when Jamie would read to me every week the size of our baby, what developments had happened over time. As we were sitting one evening in front of the TV, watching the British Bake Off, I almost dozed off. Jamie’s hands were busy working out all the knots in my aching feet when he suggested something that made me awake instantly. 

“I guess I should get rid off that engine ye hate so much, Claire.” I raised my eyebrows at him in curiosity. “What so suddenly changed your mind?” I asked scratching Adso who seemed to be fascinated by my condition. My cat found my stomach the perfect place for his naps and never left my side as soon as I entered our home. I was thinking it’s very cute unless he was just jealous of the new addition to the family. My body turned into melted wax when Jamie’s thumb pushed on that nagging spot on my foot. “I thought we should think about that storage room, my Da could help with a makeover. For the wee one,” Jamie explained, gently patting my ankle. I thought there wasn’t anything else my pregnant hormonal self would cry about but there I was again. Snotty and clinging to Jamie, saying that he’s a bloody bastard who _ made me _ turn into a hysterical creature. 

Jamie’s reminder of uni days was taken away to Broch Mordha. Day by day our storage room turned into something that started resemble a nursery. Watching Jamie and Brian paint the little bedroom gave my heart fluttering sensation as I leaned against the doorframe. I haven’t admitted to Jamie yet that him being a dad made my toes curl and my heart race a marathon. I still could not believe it was happening with me. My life seemed to be unreal and the fact that I was going to be a mother was something out of this universe. 

Jamie tucked a curl behind my ear, as I embraced my dear friend in the shape of the toilet almost every morning. I was hitting the milestone of twelve weeks and felt like bloated, nauseated, sensitive all over penguin. I huffed and puffed with my high waisted jeans that did not want to close over the growing baby bump. Finally, sweaty and red-cheeked, I sat on the edge of the bed, jeans dangling around my knees. When Jamie found me I felt defeated by rough denim fabric, laying on the bed like a fat sea cat. Pulling the jeans down my legs and fishing out my black leggings from the depth of the wardrobe, he kneeled down, taking one of my feet helping me to dress. I said that I am not a child and don’t need to be dressed. Jamie just ignored my hateful remark and suggested that we buy some maternity clothes for me. As he lent me the laptop “There, Sassenach, order what ye like,” I felt as an awful, hateful human being. His cheek was warm and smoothly shaved under my palm. “I’m sorry. I’m being horrid to you.” I whispered kissing the corner of his mouth. He smiled reassuring me it’s okay.

Though I looked rather as if I gained some weight around the middle rather than pregnant, Jamie had a habit of talking to my stomach each night. One of those I got particularly teary-eyed when he laid his head over my bare skin, my fingers running through the silk of his curls. All day I fought with waves of nausea mixed with heartburn that tried to take over my body. Jamie’s thumb placed tender caresses over the swell of my belly. “Ye should let yer mum rest, _ a leannan _ .” He whispered softly as his lips brushed at my skin. “Yer such a gift, m'eudail .” When that first tear broke free my hands drew him closer. Fingers smoothing his marble-carved back, he swallowed my quiet confession with his lips. _ “I need you, Jamie.” _

His mouth sealed over the peak of my breast, as my hand traveled down his navel. He stopped then suddenly, looking up at me. “Claire, are ye sure? I…” The tips of his ears turned scarlet red while he tried to find the right words. “I wouldna wish for the bairn to be bounced around.” I laughed then. With that hearty laugh that was only for Jamie. Leaning to kiss his upper lip, I smiled, covering his hand with mine that laid on my stomach. _ “She won’t notice, I promise.” _

Our lovemaking took a totally different meaning since the day Jamie and I learned there is a new life our love created. Jamie’s gentle awareness of “_ little olive” _ inside my womb as his body moved atop of mine, the way that small swell of my belly was sheltered between us. 

One morning as I went through the post and bills while Jamie poured hot water into the two cups of Earl Grey I hesitated but asked him anyway. Last couple of days he’s been unusually quiet. He sat down, facing me on the other side of the table, fingers circling the cup rim. After long minutes of silence, he finally confessed.

“What if I am a bad father?” 

Voice quivered with nervousness and worry Jamie said that if he can’t manage a cat _ (the time Adso ran away) _ how could he even manage a brand new human being? I stood up, circling him from behind. Nose buried in his soft curls, I pressed a kiss to his hair. “You’ll be the best dad in the world. Do you know how I know it?” He shook his head as my hips took residency on his lap. “It’s how much you love your nieces and nephews. The way you worry about Jenny and Ian. Your commitment to calling Brian every day, making sure you two talk enough.” My hands wrapped around his neck. “It’s the way you take care of me, Jamie. Of ** _us_ **.” His palm splayed atop my stomach and then he smiled.

It was true. Jamie has taken such good care of me like no one before. He decided it was his mission to learn everything about our pregnancy and he lived with his Iphone glued to his hand. Jamie googled how to get rid of nausea and was brewing a potion like a magician every evening. It was ginger tea with a tinge of lemon. Simple enough but it always calmed the wave of nausea that visited me frequently. Jamie made sure I stayed hydrated, downloading an app on my phone to remind me about my water intake. He never protested _ (only internally) _ when I had a particular night time craving for strawberries or Nandos. Even when I was a fierce, angry future mum tired from endless night visits to the bathroom, morning vomiting and all-time fatigue, Jamie never complained. He managed to soothe me every time his arms wrapped around me. “Yer just tired, Claire.” His forehead leaned against mine. “Ye may be angry and frustrated, ye may even be furious with me for no reason.” He laughed softly. “ _ But yer carrying my child and for that alone I owe ye my life _.”

After a doctor's appointment when we heard the heartbeat of our baby for the first time it suddenly felt so real. Walking hand in hand along the busy Edinburgh streets I watched Jamie’s face. It was as someone spilled a bucket of happiness infused paint all over him. He grinned like a Chesire cat and kept debating with me over the baby names. “Ye canna name a lass Mary or… Or Kate!” I rolled my eyes at him as Jamie opened a door for me. “Oh, neither do you get to call the baby Morag! Over my dead body, James Fraser.” I hissed, stepping into a store with handmade baby furniture. He mumbled something about great Scottish Gaelic names but I only waved my hand at him, noticing gorgeous white baby crib.

“Dinna listen to him,” Jenny smiled, handing me a pastel pink onesie. “Men rarely understand anything when it comes to names. Ian would gladly call all our bairns with the names from Lord of the Rings.” I laughed setting the presents she brought next to the baby crib that now was a perfect fit inside the nursery. It was the only thing we’d bought so far, besides Jenny’s kind clothing gifts. We still had a lot of time for purchasing baby things. Jamie’s sister also shoved prenatal vitamins in my hands, the extras she had from her last pregnancy. Adso decided it is his toy. For the last week my cat slept only in a crib with _ my _ vitamins securely between his furry paws.

I hummed appreciative _ “mmm” _ as Jamie’s warm palm soothed my aching lower back. “Are ye sure ye’ll be alright, Sassenach?” Jamie ran his thumb on the bridge of my nose. “I’ll be just fine.” Cupping the back of his neck, I leaned in to kiss the reddish stubble on his jaw. “If I need you, I’ll call.” He nodded but worry swam at the bottom of azure ocean as he looked down. “I need ye and the bairn to be safe and healthy.” Turning my back to spoon him, his hand laid on my waist, face pressed at my nape I smiled into the pillow. _ “We are.” _

Next day Jamie headed off to Glasgow to open up a new brewery with his uncles while I myself awaited three surgeries at work. At the end of a carotid endarterectomy I felt an awful backache but had no chance to sit down for longer than five minutes in between starting with the other patient. Thinking that I probably should reschedule my working time another hour has passed. I wanted to call Jamie on my lunch break but as my feet walked towards the cafeteria suddenly my body folded in two. I groaned, hand braced on the wall. Claws-digging, cramping pain shot in my lower belly. Feeling faint I noticed Geillis’s ginger head as she grabbed me by the arms. “Claire, what on earth is happening?” Her eyes traveled down my body, mouth frozen with whatever she wanted to say. There was a bloody spot on my scrub pants, growing like spilled wine glass.

_ It's funny the things you remember - like spilled coffee making a stain on my coat, chilly November morning and memory of hot whisper sending goosebumps down my skin, "I love you" said in an agony and fear of losing him, losing us. Or the vase that Jamie had bought me and it found its place on the top shelf in my bedroom. _

“Geil, what… _ what is happening? _” My voice shook. So small and fragile, not my own. 

I knew well enough what was going on. But my foolish, tender heart hoped that it's not true. That Geillis will smile and tell me it’s nothing, nothing serious. I saw her green eyes swell with tears as my own closed. I’ve never seen her cry before.

* * *

“Ye bloody Scottish bastard! Pick up, Jamie.” Geillis’s voice rolled as thunder inside hospital walls but cold, robotic one kept repeating “_The number you dial is out of range. Please, try again.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised this chapter did not take that long. Thank you for all your lovely comments <3 That means the world to me.
> 
> And I demand applause for my awesome beta <3
> 
> Angst is around the corner, brace yourself. 
> 
> X
> 
> A/N:  
ghràdhach aon - dear one  
M'eudail - my treasure


	10. Of loss and faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You might want a glass of something strong for this one...

For what felt like centuries-long minutes, Jamie stood with his palm on the door. His head bowed, breathing deeply, trying to find some strength from the inanimate wood surface for he had none. The only thing that drove him from Glasgow to Edinburgh in thirty minutes was _guilt._ And fear. He grasped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles blanched white. His gut wrenched as Geillis's voice replayed the manifesto in his head.

His wee Sassenach almost bled to death. His bonny and fierce lass was cut open and he wasna there for her. 

He hadn’t cried when Geillis told him. His breath hitched with a sob learning that their child was gone. Burning, expanding heat inside his chest almost cracked it open, threatening to release his bloody insides out. His hands trembled just a bit when he’d found enough courage to ask about Claire.

_ “Is she alive?” _

His own mother had died because of complications during labour. Jenny’s second pregnancy was a difficult one after which Ian was never the same. Jamie’s fear was rational but so overtaking that he exhaled with a wheezing sound against his throat salty with unshed tears. _ She was alive _and he must fight for her.

Wiping damp hands over the rough denim fabric of his jeans, he gently pushed the door open. A veil of moisture burned in his eyes as Jamie crossed a dark, shadowy room stopping next to the bed. His instinct to shield her, to protect made him almost too weak. Because _he failed. _He failed her when she most needed him. Jamie sat down in the chair in front of Claire’s motionless body.

_ Christ, _ she looked so small and ever so fragile. She was still, covered in a thin white hospital sheet that matched her skin colour. He swallowed against dry tears that burned his throat. Jamie could not make himself look down a small bump of her stomach. It was all that was left showing where their child was once sheltered and nurtured by her body. So he kept his eyes on Claire’s face. She looked so peaceful, drifting to a faraway land where Jamie did not know the route. He wanted to gather Claire close, keep her within himself, let her crawl inside his body and remain there. Safe and guarded. _Not hurt. _

_ A Dhia, _ he would have given everything to be able to take her pain away.

Dr Hildegarde told him it was _ a placental abruption_. Something that could not have been stopped so they had to perform C-section. Their baby was stillborn, one of the complications occurring in fifteen percent of cases. He could feel an aching hole inside his chest and a tight set of his jaw against oncoming wave of tears as Dr Hildegarde’s thin fingers squeezed his shoulder in sympathy. Geillis, with puffy and bloodshot eyes, told him Claire has lost a large amount of blood and received a transfusion. 

Jamie kept staring at Claire’s asleep face. Gritting his teeth, he caught a thought at the back of his mind that made his blood freeze. Now that she slept, he hoped she was not in pain. _ She was _but Jamie did not know that. Claire was given pain medication by a nurse and it helped her to drift back to soothing darkness. She did not have to face a reality where she had lost her baby. Claire’s face was smooth, only a slight furrow between her eyebrows disturbed the peacefulness. A part of Jamie wished she slept forever like this. Not hurt, without need to live with the ache and heartbreak of losing their child. He shook his head violently as if to rid himself of the awful thought that was creeping into his fevered mind. The selfish little, fragile part of himself whispered that she’ll hate him. When Claire wakes she will realise what a failure he is and she won’t want him anymore. He feared it and it made him feel sick to his stomach.

Jamie hesitated, afraid that Claire could flinch away from his touch as he reached his hand to her. _ Oh, _ how much he wanted to comfort her. How he wished he could reverse time and not put his Sassenach to such misery because of _ himself. _

_ He could bear just about anything but not her pain. _

Tips of his fingers gently curved over her soft cheek. She did not move, only eyebrows knitted a deeper crease between them. Jamie bit his lip blood bursting, fighting against the tears rushing as the tide, copper tasting faintly in his mouth. 

Even now partly covered in the night shadows, she was _so, so_ beautiful. There was an unearthliness about her pale, pale skin like she would soon belong to the angels. Jamie could almost imagine how their wee lassie would have looked alike with her mother. He sucked in the sterile scented air and exhaled in a shallow breath. The sounds of his heart shattering filled each corner of the room.

Thumb smoothing the transparent shell of her ear Jamie jerked at the sudden sound filling the space. It was a whimper, faint and delicate as early snow but so desperate it made him cold to the marrow of his bones. 

“Sassenach,” He whispered, voice hoarse with the effort. Jamie had no idea what he could say to her to make it better. There was nothing. Nothing he could do or say to make it hurt less. She leaned into his palm, face painted with visible distress and Jamie thought he would lose it.

So he did the best he could. Fingers gently curling into her hair, he whispered to her in ancient Gàidhlig as he always did when Claire had hard times. It seemed to soothe her and he had hoped it would bring the same relief to his Sorcha now. 

She stilled for a while before her eyes fluttered open. They told him she had awakened before after coming out of surgery when the last lingering sensations of drugs faded away. She asked for him Geillis said. _ Claire needed him there, _ and he wasn’t.

She blinked, eyes still dull and heavy-lidded. Her lungs burned as she inhaled deeply as if a needle had punctured the skin. Her mouth was tacky. Feeling a drowsy shadowiness swim behind her dry eyelids Claire stared_ through _ Jamie. Slowly coming out from submerging oblivion all she could feel was _ pain. _It started under her skin laying its sharp claws along the edges of her limbs, dipping inside red tissue. It ran in the bloodstream igniting each fibre like fierce lightning bolt traveling from nerve to nerve. The pain was inside burnt deep behind her eyelids, coating her throat, shredding the lungs. Claire’s body hung on the brink of giving in and falling back into the peaceful darkness. It took all the strength she had left inside to concentrate and not step back into the blackness. Her vision blurred, eyes straining with the effort. She felt dizzy. When she realised that her quiet sanctuary was disturbed by an intruder, her eyes finally focused. 

Jamie’s lips quirked into a ghost of a smile. _ “Mo cridhe…” _ His warm palm cupped her cheek and she shrugged away. Pulling a sheet up to her chin she stared at Jamie as if he was a stranger.

For a long time, there was a silence and neither of them moved.

She felt so lonesome. She was all alone._ Abandoned. _ She was _ so so so _ lonely in all of this.

Even in midnight darkness she could see the barely checked tears in Jamie’s eyes. It felt like a millennia that he was frozen. Not able to move or say anything. Jamie looked utterly broken.

_ Destroyed. _

But she_ did not feel a thing _ about it.

Swallowing a choking lump in his throat Jamie opened his mouth. He only gasped for air as he groped for words, not able to say anything. Eyes blown wide, hands shaking by his sides, Jamie just looked back at Claire who jerked away_ again _ when he wanted to lean down to touch her.

_ “Don’t touch me” _Claire’s voice echoed in the hollowness of her chest.

“I am so verra sorry, Sassenach” His voice was no more than a weak, strangled rasp. 

She turned away as the tears spilled down his cheeks, making their way down his neck. She still could not bear seeing him cry. 

Her hands slowly reached now a barren expanse of her abdomen. Covered with a thin hospital sheet her own body felt foreign and unfamiliar. Claire was as the goddess Niobe whose children were slain and unburied. She was turned to stone and brooded endlessly over the sorrows sent by Gods. Only this time Claire was the one to blame, her own traitorous body. She laid there, numb and cold as the stone herself. 

Claire’s voice cracked, forced out her dry throat. “Go home, Jamie”

_ “No,” _ It sounded like a groan. Full of anger, frustration, heartbreak. 

When her eyes found Jamie’s, Claire’s words were nothing but a broken whisper.

_ “I have lost a lifetime with my child before even be able to experience it. _”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

It was early predawn with the sun trying to breakthrough stubborn clouds floating over Scotland.

Jamie startled, awakened to the sound of shoes gliding over the linoleum. Geillis gently touched his shoulder, eyes scanning still asleep Claire. 

“Ye should go home, mo charaid,” His fellow Scotswoman circled the bed, glancing at vital signs monitor. “Yer no good like that for Claire, go to sleep, have a bite.”

Standing up Jamie felt needles prickle his numb legs. Muscles cramped from a broken sleep on that tiny chair. Shaking off the remnants of his restless night he turned to Geillis, zipping the jacket up. 

“Promise me, ye stay with her and willna leave for a moment?” Jamie nervously ran a hand through his hair, before tapping it on his thigh. “I’m going to use the bathroom and grab something from the car.” 

Geillis nodded, smiling faintly. “I willna. But ye promise ye will eat a proper lunch and get some sleep tonight. Ye have to be strong for Claire. She will need ye.” 

Jamie swallowed, shaking his head in agreement. The only thing that kept him from falling apart was Claire’s need for him, his strength that he could lend her. Even though she might reject him again, that’s the least he could do for his wee Sassenach.

He was gone no longer than twenty minutes. Jamie made a quick visit to the bathroom, splashed cold water over his face, grabbed an awful resemblance of a coffee from a vending machine. He changed his sweaty t-shirt in the car for a freshly washed gym one, dug out Claire’s favourite Jaffa cakes from the glovebox and was on his way back.

When he stepped inside the ICU room Claire was awake. And it made him somewhat jealous and_ guilty again _ that he did not catch the moment when she woke. He froze and just stood like an idiot in the doorway. Claire did not even look up, kept staring at her folded hands on her knees. Mary Hawkins hovered over her changing the bag of IV fluids, smiling shyly as she reminded Claire to eat her breakfast. She only nodded absently but did not touch the tray with tea, porridge, bread rolls and butter with raspberry jam. Claire always thought it was rather funny that NHS offered continental breakfast at hospitals. The last thing she wanted to do was eat now. Claire would gladly remain in a state of unconscious drowsiness and a dead sleep for the rest of her life.

As they were left alone Jamie moved slowly, setting aside the cakes on the bedside stand. He thought he’d seen a faint smile on Claire’s lips but wasn’t sure he did not imagine it.

“Ye mind?” Jamie exhaled, trying to keep his voice steady. Claire scooted over slightly allowing him a bit of space on the narrow bed. Jamie lowered himself carefully to sit, too aware of her fragile state. He was afraid he could break her if he is not cautious enough.

They stayed quiet for a while, both lost in the loud sounds coming from the hospital hall.

“How do ye feel?” He asked at last, eyes searching hers but she stubbornly looked away.

Jamie prayed that she would answer him, that she wouldn’t pull back. His heart was aching hoping that she would grant him the least a bit of mercy and just share her burden with him. _ Christ, it was his child too. _

Claire shivered at the sound of Jamie’s voice. So familiar, so concerned, so_ him. _ Somewhere very deep deep inside her there was a space that was screaming for him, that needed him desperately. The ache of it was tearing her apart but it was buried under a cloak of overtaking grief. She could not get out from its cold, gripping claws. The sight of Jamie was breaking her heart, ripping it out but she kept thinking she was alone when it all happened. _ How scared she was. _

Claire wanted to reach out to him and reassure him she’s not angry. But the turmoil was too great. There was a mix of feelings she did not understand. She was scared, angry, she felt guilty and weak. But mostly she was_ hurt. _ There was a great deal of pain and Claire had no idea how to deal with it.

She absently smoothed the crumpled fabric of white sheet over her belly.

_ “Empty,” _ Her voice cracked. “I feel empty.”

The breath choked out of him and Jamie leaned in to her wanting to cradle her close. But he stopped midway unsure and taken aback by the feeling that he had to think_ if he can touch her. _

His hand froze in the air just inches away from soft curve of her cheek. A lonely tear rolled down Claire’s face and she whimpered against her will. Biting down her lip hard enough so it hurts, _ so maybe, just maybe _ it will distract her from the real tragedy her own life turned into. She could not bear to see that look on Jamie’s face. When his thumb gently wiped away a salty drop, the burning soreness inside her chest threatened to burst out burying them both with lava-like sorrow. Her fingers closed around Jamie’s warm palm withdrawing it from her face. 

But he kept trying. The haunting feeling of losing her kept him going._ He would not lose her. _

“Ye should eat yer breakfast, mo ghraidh,” Jamie offered quietly “ Ye need it to keep up yer strength.”

“I failed, Jamie.” Claire’s voice was distant as she drew patterns over the white sheet. “I failed our daughter. I failed us.”

He wanted to say something, deny those ridiculous words but she shook her head dismissing him.

“You should leave, go home, there is no use for you to sit here, Jamie.”

_ He was losing her. He was losing it all. _

Pressing a dry kiss to her forehead Jamie just sat back. If that chair would be the place he has to spend the rest of his days on to be near Claire, he would do it.

Later in the day Claire just laid, resting as much as possible. She spent her time pretending to watch TV, switching the channels just for the sake of keeping her hands busy. With no child to lay in her arms, she felt an exceptional need to do something, anything that would fill that hole. Jamie has been with her most of the time, only occasionally taking trips to the bathroom or to stretch the muscles in his legs, pacing endless circles in the hallway. They did not talk much, only business-like exchange of phrase. 

Though Claire needed to remain calm, resting in order to heal quickly, they needed her to get up for walks. Nurse Olivia explained to Claire she needed to become progressively mobile in order to prevent constipation and blood clots. Jamie volunteered but Claire said she wanted Geilis with her. It was a great relief for Claire going on those painful, even though gentle walks with her best friend. It was a change from Jamie’s utterly destroyed face and she felt as she could breathe a little bit easier without seeing him looking so guilty, looking so sad. Geillis did not push, did not start the conversations Claire did not want to hold. She just talked, as usual, made filthy jokes, shared her memories from last Tinder date and filled her in all recent gossip at the hospital. Claire was grateful for that. 

Later, after Jamie convinced her to take a bite of a dinner she fell into a restless sleep. Geillis on the other hand finally managed to drag Jamie out of the hospital room and laughed at him softly when he groaned at the bright hall light.

“Yer like a bloody mole.” She pushed him towards the cafeteria paying zero attention at his protests. “Ye have to eat, Claire willna thank me if I let ye starve yerself.”

Geillis only smirked when Jamie demolished two full meals with a clear look on her face _ “I told ye” _. She was rumbling about everything and anything but Jamie barely listened. After some time, wiping the grease from his lips, Geillis moved a plate aside, reaching for Jamie’s hand.

“Dinna worry, she’ll come around,” the ginger-haired woman smiled. “She needs time, time to heal and accept.”

He nodded.

“And so do ye.”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Claire dreamt. She was weightless. Free and peaceful, floating in serene darkness. There was no pain, no fear, no loss. Her body was a feather, not her own, inside the space of the parallel universe. She did not know her name or who she was. Everything was foreign and new. It was dark and soothingly warm. There was no existence of her, whoever she has been before. She felt at peace wrapped in the cocoon of warmth surrounding her. She was nobody, motionless and still. Perfect in its hollowness. There was no time nor space but quiet buzzing filling Claire’s senses. **_She just was_**_._ Swimming in the endless distant land of **_nothing._** She did not know how long she has been there, in the space of bottomless chasm. But then there was something. Growing inside her solar plexus, spreading its roots in her bloodstream. Running under the surface of Claire’s transparent skin. Trying to break out, the pressure of it clawing at her heart. Leaving a flow of blood soaking trail. A name.

_ Jamie. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a turning point for Claire and Jamie, an invisible equator in their relationship. And symbolically it's 10th part of this story.  
It took an effort to get this exactly right, to build that emotional bridge that'll help us understand their feelings. I hope I managed to capture all the feelings both of them. But please, please have faith in them.
> 
> I have to say enormous thanks to my darling beta for coping with me and aaaaaall my medical-related questions <3
> 
> P.S. Sorry for breaking your wee hearts in previous and this chapter, my dear kind-hearted readers. Bear with me ;) ;)
> 
> X
> 
> A/N:
> 
> mo charaid - my friend in Scottish Gaelic


End file.
